inner voice

Dearest shadow,


I think I've had a little bit of a storm for a couple of weeks. And it is one of those manufactured storms. The kind that people/idiots/imbeciles stir up--- supposedly inadvertently. Excuse me while I roll my eyes and proceed to pick my poor eyeballs off the floor.

There. Back in my eye sockets.

All this rolling my eyes has given me a little bit of clarity. Maybe its half baked wisdom. But hey, i'm 26 and 5 months. Sometimes, we find the storm. Sometimes it finds us. And sometimes you don't realise that you're in a storm cuz you're so busy writing out nice wedding wishes to friends who tell you you cannot find a man cuz you don't wear dresses. whatta b*tch. At least i'm not throwing my family away.

Sometimes, I ask myself why I look past my gut feeling and justify my actions to be the"right-thing-to-do". Maybe I just assume that the gut feeling is really nothing but a hunger pang. Maybe that justifies my appetite. But really. Its something that I have got to think about. I always tell myself that I've got to give it time, I cannot judge a book by its cover, who am I to have a say/opinion about it....I'm always so judgemental and I don't cut people any slack, I've been wrong before etc.

But when the not so tiny conscience voices out and tells you "seeeee. I told you right." It's a horrible feeling. Your friends sympathise and give you the most wonderful of advice and you swear to god that you'' be careful. You secretly thank god for wonderful people in your life who can pull you out and give you a fresh perspective and brutally honest advice. Then there's that naggy voice again...its whiny and says...."but I told you so! and I said it first! hmmmph".

You shush that voice and go along the path and count your lucky stars in the night sky. It'll prolly happen again. And you'll think -- why does this stuff keep repeating man. I mean, seriously. And, your conscience doesn't bother answering.


I think there's my moment of clarity.


We received everything, absolutely everything that we've needed to survive on the planet. Everything is slowly delivered as and when you need it. After all, its not like I've a place to put everything. So it's best that it comes when it needs to. Most of the time, solutions are right under our breath. Sometimes, under our noses. But most times, solutions are within....


I think my within has quite a bit of cobwebs. Maybe the light has fused. The air-con is rickety and the books aren't arranged according to the dewey decimal code. But going within is hard. Listening to and Trusting the voice from within is really difficult. The rational mind does not accept it most of the time. Impatience overrules the intellect.


I shall aim for patience. And I shall develop some reverence for my inner voice. Especially since it sounds a lot like suzy.