boyfriend.

Dearest Shadow,


I miss writing. I've been having mixed experiences. Some good. Some bad. Most of them are lost and I've not written or reflected upon them simply because time has been moving too fast for me.

too fast. Sometimes it scares me.


Recently, people have been on my back about something that is seemingly their concern. My love life. Or rather, the lack thereof.


As far as my mother is concerned, I am supposed to pray for a Ram as she did. She prayed for him and he appeared in her life. Quite literally. My dad's name is Ram. Because I don't pray, she bugs me to the point of harrassment sometimes. I do it. VERY begrudgingly actually. My dad flies to KL and takes time to consult some priest and that adds more fuel to the fire.


As far as my colleagues are concerned, I don't have one because I am not girly enough. I don't wear dresses, make-up, nail polish and pretty bows in my hair. I can't tell the difference between mascara and eye-liner and no, you're not going to catch me with make up just so that I can be attractive. I feel attractive regardless of my lack of make-up thankyouverymuch.


And as far as my doctors are concerned, I'm an attractive woman and I need to learn to be vain and not set too high a standard for men. And my results in the love department are indicative of my stubbornness to change and my inability to set reasonable standards. Mind you, these are professionals I had to see on a regular basis to get my skin and lower back in order.


Sometimes, when things are said well enough, long enough and harshly enough, the mind quietens down, stops arguing and starts wondering if there is truth to the statements. Afterall, every once in a while, I need a slap or two to stop me in my tracks, to let it get past my enormous ego, my sky high barriers, my quick judgements and get me to think.


I find myself asking what if, they are right. What if I am doing everything wrong? Not going to parties, not dressing like a prissy princess.  Not praying the traditional way, going to the temple and hoping to bump into a nice religious boy. What if expecting that a man be kind, gentle, educated and loving is asking for too much. I conveniently forgot the part where he has to smell nice and be easy to talk to. but yes. What if that is asking too much?


What if, as they say, I'm being too picky? I'm fussy. I'm not making the effort to find this guy. or make myself available, findable etc.


Guilty then. As charged and whatever charges may follow. I seem to have lost the ability to defend myself.





I really don't know what to write or to say in my defence anymore. I look all strong and sturdy on the outside but it seems to be a futile attempt to fight all these comments and frankly I don't know whether I'm tired to the point that I'm indifferent or upset to the point that I feel helpless. If anything, it really helps that people don't point a finger in my direction and make it look like it's my fault. A hug or two, a cuppa coffee and words of encouragement are much more useful.


Where the eff are you?!? I could use a hug, shoulder to lean on and tissue for my tears right about now.