A question of Balance.

Dearest shadow,


Today, I cleaned out my workspace and it feels amazing to work in an uncluttered environment. Now, I've to relaunch my room cleaning into phase one and start from scratch. As much as I like and proclaim that I can thrive in my version of the organised mess, neatness is luring me...partly because it feels perfect and balanced. And I just love perfect and balance. Two things I cannot do without. among other things of course. heh.


So as usual, I got into a frenzy. the kind of frenzy that gets me to make lists upon lists of things. The first was on how to put my workspace in order. The second was in relation to my room. The last one was in relation to my life. That list was rather complicated. Very disorganised...with many arrows here and there and I wasted lost of post its while getting there. But in the end, I didn't manage to write a proper how-to-balance-my-life list.


Partly because, I cannot agree on my own view of balance. I'm split.


I tell myself that I love my job. The hours I work. The people whom I interact with. All the clever banter we have. It just reminds me of working backstage, doing all the hands on stuff and staying quiet, unnoticed while having a real sense of accomplishment.


I tell myself that I make good decisions, think as rationally as possible, and face things with as much courage and optimism as I can gather. I believe that I have achieved some kind of headway with my career and family. I know that I can support myself and I pride myself on how independent I am.


There you go. Perfect. or rather, Perfect Enough. and balanced. right?


Nay.


There are aspects of my job I absolutely hate. From day one, I think it stinks of corporate red tape and unnecessary bureaucracy. I think the things we implement are nothing but hogwash and have very little backing or justification. They are not in line with our goals. Rather, they are in line with our bottom line. We give away things to people who do not appreciate them, we don't reimburse colleagues who do things out of their own pockets and we do not care to pull someone up when they are seriously in need of some help.


There are idiots in my office who wash their face in the morning and put on a facade to come to work. Their conversations and interactions are a sham. They mind their P's and Q's but not their tongues. They judge but do not allow themselves to be held to scrutiny. What they perceive to be right IS and WILL be right. It simply cannot be challenged because it comes with pompous justification, punctuation with a self-righteous smugness.



For sometime now, my decision making skills are out the window. I gossip behind closed doors and put on a facade just to avoid small talk with idiots. I shrivel up and die when I need to have lunch with people who come up with weird theories about stuff. I start losing my grip of reality and rational thinking does not come to my rescue. Where is my moral standing when I need to tell someone that they are wrong and Where is my optimism when I need to see the light and give hope to someone who is leaning on me for a positive word or two?


Where.

At which point did all this crappy stuff just turn up? And what was I doing as it was flooding my life? Why didn't I make proper decisions? Why did I turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to things? sigh. Another one sided conversation with deep space.


But lo and behold, my tube of face wash provided me with an answer. I wasn't expecting it. I mean, rhetorical questions are meant for assertions, effect and sometimes to demonstrate futility. And of course, you don't expect answers to turn up in your face while washing your face.


The most important thing in life is Balance. And I'm not saying this just because I'm libran. It was the face wash...But really, think about it. Almost all aspects of life require some sort of balance. You need to have the right pH balance for your skin. the right balance of oils to keep it healthy. You need balanced amounts of deep sleep and activity. You need the right amounts of stimulation and challenge. You need generosity from someone before you can be charitable to another. It's all a matter of balance.


If you're oblivious to the signals, ignore the warning signs and refuse the reality as it is going to happen, all things are thrown out of balance. Everything goes static. Things magnify themselves out of proportion. Fear multiplies and your anxiety and anger manifests in such strange ways. It paralyzes you into inaction and robs your perception and reality.


I'm going to redo my list. And it's going to contain strategies...To give me power to control my circumstances as much as I can. So that I can maintain my balance, sanity,



and maybe my ego.