bullies

Dearest shadow,


I was doing some reading up today. Just a little refresher on my old psych minor notes. The old nature versus nurture debate, the zone of proximal development and blah blah.


While i was doing that, i was trying to apply some literature psychoanalysis techniques on myself. Usually, we read the character and the settings and a whole bunch of metaphorical references of course....to determine what the character's inner motivations are. What does the character really mean when he says something and why did he turn out a certain way....was it his circumstances or did he really have full control over his fate?


While this is really quite fun -- if you like literature that is...It's pretty difficult when you have to do that on yourself. Partly because you're not words on paper, you're a multi-faceted person and you do not possess omniscient knowledge of your own life.


I wondered if at some point, I stopped growing, which point that would be at. Could I have stopped at kindergarten? after all, EVERYTHING you really need to function as a human being, is taught at kindergarten. Nah.


Primary school is out. I know i did grow a little bit there. And secondary school was a huge shock to my system. Mentally and physically. I think it's the point at which my consciousness was born. It seems to me that before that, I just absorbed things and went on with life. But I began to actually THINK in secondary school. And when i say "think" I mean "contemplate".


Strangely, it was the most trying period of my life. The period that involved crying, intense feelings of sadness and anger...my own inability to decide whether i wanted to be alone or whether that choice was tantamount to experiencing loneliness.



i was bullied alot back then. i was at some point, averse to people. averse to talking. and just crowds in general. I hung out in the library a lot. my classmate pushed me off the bench when we took a class photo. i wasn't in the candid shot. i was falling off. naturally, i didn't buy the class photo.


ah well, i digress as usual. sob stories aside, I'd like an answer. Did I grow, as a person due to those unpleasant years? Did negative experiences shape my understanding and consciousness of things and life in general? or did the more positive experiences negate all the bad stuff?



It'll hurt me, and very deeply indeed, if the answer to that was: yes. the negative shaped you and let you grow more than the positive. I think i'll be hurt and frankly angry with god because that's not how he's supposed to help me or let me realise things. I mean, why must he put me among so many bullies? from so many sides? my "friends", classmates, my lousy extended family etc?


I still continue to have such idiots around. my life will be a lovely one, without those people. Wait. let me qualify that. my life will be LOVELIER if there weren't those people. It is pretty dandy as it is.


But I keep asking the question. Why? Why do i have to deal with this time and time and time again. There's a lesson somewhere and i'm not learning it. i'm just asking the question and the person who's supposed to answer it is just leaning back...maybe even saying that it's staring me in the face. i keep staying up late nights to complain about all the nonsensical behaviour of other people. why.



and then a little voice answers that maybe its the idiots who help us grow. to reach our stages of whatever. push us into our zone of proximal development. maybe they are part of nature and nurture. they're part of the environment. I can't take them out. and they are nurturing me. my patience, values, perception of truth. capacity for love. ability to rationalise. strengthen my convictions. analyse my abilities. prick my conscience. challenge my beliefs. slap me a little. poke me in the ribs. make me cry. make me fall. and force me to get up and dust myself. they're here to patronise me and push me to my limits. and when i reach that limit, to force me to draw another limit.



maybe, that's the lesson. the purpose for their existence. maybe that's the sad, harsh and painful truth. Truth is impartial. it's the point at which you realise it that makes it harsh and sad. I guess i might have been focusing on the people and not the lesson all this while. maybe that's it. I cannot find any other reason. The closest is karma. but it doesn't quite cut it.


So yes. Thank you bullies. you've made me angry and did mean things to me but you've made me stronger, faster and better. you continue to help me grow and help me "get in the zone" and be a good human. next time i visualise putting a pistol in your throat, i will breathe deeply, smile and change the image of the pistol to that of rainbow candies. a huge jar of it, cascading down a pretty funnel in your mouth waiting to choke the life out of you. so there you go! Fight bullies with niceties and rainbows!


yay.