July Stocktake

Dearest shadow,


I've been writing in here. those posts just didn't make it past the 'publish post' button. ah well...


July was a difficult month to get through. It always seems to be difficult. For some reason...maybe the stars are not aligned properly. maybe the planets are not very happy and they are pulling and pushing each other. Lots of un-nice things happened in july. but nice things happened too....like my new phone! woohoo! So yes, we need to do a stock take. The year is ending!


First things first. I care less and less about having annoying people around. I have come to accept, yes, for the millionth time, that I have very little power to control this. I pretend and deceive myself that we have the means and the power to control the circumstances of our lives. But the truth --the sad facts of reality snigger and chuckle in the background at my naive optimism. I am an optimist/idealist and a realist. I can be both because i'm libran. I need to balance them out. I need to be more of a realist when the optimist is singing and painting pictures of rainbows. and I need to be more of an optimist when the realist has thrown in the towel and starts binging on chocolate and kfc.


and yes, july was hard to get through because i was tired. so tired that my ego and pride were deflated. they refused to get up and put up a fight. or at least offer some opposition when my conscience aka suzy's voice was talking. I ended up taking lots of showers, stifling my crying sounds...and having blocked nose for some time. I took some ibuprofen and still had headaches. I don't like being tired. I feel all weak and lousy inside. I am going to set up a screening process. I will listen to what I want to listen to. and care about things that I should care about. complaints in general will get silence or if necessary, appropriate grunting sounds.


On the silver lining side, I've finally gotten some means of fixing my back. It hurts and makes me feel all weird but I feel good about it. Its an improvement reaction and it'll be there for a while. I paid one and a half month's salary into it and wondered if I was jumping the gun...especially with so many expenses coming up...but i think things are looking up. less painkillers, headaches, pain creams and morning stiffness! here i come!


oh and yes after close to a year of hiatus, i finally have music in my life again. It's when i don't have it that I realise how it has meant to me. It's a vital part of my life. it adds joy to my life in such weird ways. my finger hurts so bad from a cut...i keep tuning and tuning and the peg just does not want to stay where i left it. i cannot position my hand properly and it makes me feel like i cannot play at all...i struggle with it and yet, this struggle does not frustrate me. it actually enriches me. I want to go back and have more. I wish for my cut to get deeper. I tell myself to be patient when the peg loosens and I force myself to sit up so that I can play properly. why can't our struggles with human beings and life in general be as fulfilling? Why can't people just talk, and understand each other? why can't we agree to disagree or is it the other way around? ah well.


The realist just knocked with an insight. The world is not perfect. You can't fix it....
And, the optimist's retort to that is -- in order to fix the world, you must first see it as broken...hmmm...don't think I should bother going there...



Everything is probably working as it should :)