bank balance.

Dearest Shadow,


I just saw my tax return form. It's the first time I've ever filed for my own taxes. Makes me feel all grown up and all. I saw my total income and I was oh so proud of myself. And then, it turned to a not so proud moment. I closed my eyes and looked at all my bank balances in my head....


Where did me money go? mmmmm......My compulsive shopper thing was very very short lived. Major mango shopping was very long ago. I always eat expensive food so that's out...and transport wasn't that bad. I didn't go to muji that much either. Yes, the vacations were there. And I did spend quite a bit but it was ok....

So what will ms control freak do when she realises her bank balances are not up to her liking? She'll draw up a list and count how much to save and how much to stinge. Whilst doing this, I took a break and went to lot 1. Get my pastamania and double chocolate fix. As I was walking home, I had one of those internal monologues again.


My bank balances are fine. I do not spend unnecessarily on crappy, superficial things. I eat heartily. I have very nice clothes. I have the means to take a vacation whenever I want. I can give my folks a quarter of my salary, spend a few hundreds and still have more than enough to save. I can afford to splurge on myself. I can buy myself shoes whenever I want. I can walk into a store and buy myself cutesy stationery which I would not buy when I was finishing my degree. I pay my own bills. I'll start paying my nus loans and settle my laptop loans. I have more than enough.


I look back at this time last year and it all seems like a blur. I was a not very happy person. It was like the world wasn't nice to me. I had to pay the bank 2 dollars every month just because the balance wasn't above 500. Catching glee and praying for mr shuester to leave his wife was the highlight of my week. Eating cheap ice-cream and mouthing every single line in friends was enjoyable and I was surviving well enough. I made a long list of all the little things I will buy myself when I am richer...And i've yet to buy them. why.


yes...why? why am I cursing myself over the vitamins I am yet to eat? Or an extra set of muji eraser pencils? Do I need the same pair of pants or shirt in two different colours just because I like the cut? No. But can I afford it now? YES. Why beat yourself up about rewarding yourself for your own work? mmmmm....yes why....I ought to be grateful for the all the things that turned out the way they did. For the things I can do now that I could not do previously. For the things I can even consider doing now....and of course for the people who let me eat off their plate and buy me standard tickets when I am broke.


P.s. I'm using lotsa ellipses again....