Déjà vu

Dearest shadow,


I'm at another of my omg-i-really-dont-want-to-do-this. I have been thinking about this for a bit. I felt this way for a huge part of my university. When I had trouble filling a page up with words....I just felt so so hopeless. There were so many countless nights of staying up till dawn. And the very poetry, novels and quotations that lifted me up became the bane of my life. I attended classes for the sake of charging my laptop sometimes. It was just tiresome.
Presentations. Deadlines. Long 96 Queues. Dropping cap. Many things were not going well.


I remember walking into co-op when I was 14 and I bought a NUS A4 size exercise book. I used it for maths practice. I was determined to get there and trigonometry was not going to stop me. Well, I did get there. And it was far from my childhood dreams. Just before I graduated, I seriously hated stepping into my shakespeare in film class. I broke down and I knew that was that.


I've been feeling this way lately. I do my best to stay positive. But sometimes, its hard. I try not to talk about the negative stuff too much so that I do not inadvertently perpetuate all these negative stuff. I wonder if all I really need is just a mindset change...Whether I am making the wrong decisions or not. Whether I am actually desiring to do things that are really not my forte. Sometimes I just feel so so unmotivated to do things and sometimes I feel like it's not going to make a difference. or I just feel plain lazy.


Maybe I am just overthinking everything. I need a break. Another 3 weeks to go. I need a hug. Maybe Amma's hug will help. And some music. I am waiting for March to come. For all this to end. For all the anxiety to go away and for me to stop blaming myself....that I partly brought this all on myself.


I need some positive reinforcement. I need to stop piling things up. I know I'm doing that because I do not believe in it. I do not feel good about it. Sigh.


Someone, send me some strength, courage and motivation to do everything. Please.