cumulative update

Dearest shadow,

Its been a while since i clicked the new post button. and its been a while since i managed to get my keyboard changed. $144 inclusive of gst. student price mind you. but yes. i've not written in here because i was 1) lazy 2) had nothing much to complain about.

funny how that works out. when you really want to write, you want something to rant about. it just perpetuates the lousy feeling. ah well. so lets get down to business. what's happened since june 3rd?


lots of things actually. things that i really truly wanted. things i didnt want simply moved somewhere else. i can safely say that i'm happy now. i'm fulfilled. i smile alot more. i prance around more often. facebook feeds and other people's travel photos dont depress me as much. i eat as much chocolate as i want. i still break out in pimples and curse myself later but hey, it tastes so so good!

oh and i've actually been sleeping slightly earlier. i made some plans to get my back fixed. but i've been procrastinating on that. i'll get to it. eventually. i've been making lots of efforts to keep my workspace clean. my table's been piling up with crap. i'll get to it by this deepavali. i'll start by cleaning now.

i've become a compulsive shopper. yes. i've worn two girly shirts successfully. hang on. i think its called blouse if its girly. lots of positive visualisation helped. at this point, i'm reminding myself of my pact to wear a dress. successfully. i forgot when i was supposed to do that. 2008? or 2009? Someday. and yes, i know that someday is not a day of the week.


I'm still trying to figure out the identity of the cute guy who pops up in my dreams....trying to piece what is really triggering that kinda dream. i think its probably pain. most probably pain.
I still have lots of pains everywhere. some physical. some mental. some you run away from. some you've to get married to get away from. i'm tired of tolerating other people's constant tiredness. of being their google engine. of being the wall. i think i've tolerated alot. and alarmingly, i'm becoming indifferent to it. i read this quote the other day. nelgect and indifference often do more damage than outright hate. i found it disturbing. but now i think its strangely comforting. to know that i'm not as powerless as i make myself out to be.

Perhaps, just perhaps, i'm succeeding in my be selfish resolution. initially it was in jest. but i thought it might have some "depth" to it. lets hope that i keep it in balance. its good to have some pain lurking around. keeps me human. i've something to complain about. at least its predictable. and thank god everything else is fine.


oh and thank you god, I have music in my life again. and i can finally read for pleasure. that's enough for now.