ouches.

Dearest shadow,


The last week was a serious whirlwind. I've been meaning to write about it. but just aint got the time. or my keyboard wasnt working. speaking of which, i've not been able to send out many resume's the past weeks.


the 4 day thingy was a mix of bewilderment, emotionally scarring video screenings, serious back pain revisits, light headedness and lots of happy hugs. I guess it was extremely awkward at first. y'know meeting new people. not knowing what to say. trying to participate when all you wanna to is melt away into the pantry. and trying to blend into the white wall when you are wearing bright red. wasnt too bad. the exercise was amazing. the repercussions, not so amazing. never is.


i've gotta do something to repair my back. its getting to me. i feel so inadequate when i walk past reflective glass and see the hunch on my back. waking up with tears in my eyes for no reason at all. and complaining about it makes life just so so irritating. wonder if the people who've interviewed me think that i have no confidence just because i hunch this much.


didnt go to work today because, i was in so much pain that i slept through 3 alarms, 7 snoozes and woke up only after someone from my office called me. thank god that mc's and pain killers are available easily to someone who's had a history of back pain. otherwise, it'll look real bad. and i feel like crap. lotsa ouches.


right now, the painkillers are not working. the drowsy medicine is not helping me sleep. in fact, its giving me very watery eyes. i wanna clean my room. and i stare at my phone hoping for a phone call. hello! you're hired. Why! thank you very much!


during the programme, i was asked to narrate a story because in their words "you ought to be very good at that". and so i told them the story of the beggar and the seven buns. whilst that is my favourite story, i wonder if i really believe in it anymore. sometimes, i question my ability to stay positive amidst the crap thats happening. people breathing down your neck. back pain....your mom's menopausal maniac depressive mood swings. now she tells me to get myself into a masters programme. and then the next day, its all about me not spending enough time looking for a job. i mean, when's this going to end. or rather, when am i going to snap.


well, i'm telling myself that i'm not going to snap. i'll get something. i've let people convince me that its difficult. has never been. but i've let people convince me. why did i do that? whatever happened to this year's motto? be the fish that doesnt belong in the sea.


in suzy's words: "you're too nice larrr". I dont think so.. all i know is that i'm tired. i'm not making sense. on a random unrelated note, i'm signing up for somatic something thingy soon. hope something good comes out of it. that i stay disciplined and fix it.


meanwhile, thank you doctor. i'm reaching for my ibuprofen without any nagging voices in my head. i cannot be a pain to people around me. no i cannot. and if a white pill takes the pain away and helps me smile, even for a bit,



so be it.