un-writing

dearest shadow,


I want to write. i have things to write about. my vowels are all working. i am listening to nice music playing on loop. and i've practically colonised the swing. i draft in my head. while i walk. while i eat. and while i shower. but it just does not flow. does not come into words. this is the only thing that i know.


write.


if tomorrow i lost my ability to write, i will really be nothing...but these days, i'm worn out when i see the "new post" page. i write endlessly and nit pick at my own work, change them into pdf's, cross my fingers and send them out. it frustrates me like hell sometimes. but i tell myself that i have to do it.

and when i want to write about how irritating things are getting sometimes, i dont seem to get my words out. makes me feel so inept. and this is my catharsis. i'm denied my catharsis because i'm of writing things that i am really not interested in. i leave everything as drafts. they are like the shadows of their published counterparts except they will never see the light of day...because i cant seem to write. sigh. what on earth am i saying....see what i mean?


how i wish i can read and write with careless abandon once more.