sob story

dearest shadow,


i always seem to have a lot of energy past midnight. the moment it hits 8 pm, its like my brain is going into party mode. it wants to listen to loud music. drink root beer. prance around the house. lie down on the swing and rock. watch countless episodes of friends. type endlessly and play music.

for some reason, i'm absolutely unmotivated in the day time. i drag myself everywhere. curse at trains and do boring stuff.


I've been not very motivated to do stuff. i keep getting angry. all the time. i cannot contain myself. i think my patience threshold is decreasing or people are really taking advantage of me. i've been at loggerheads with my mom for quite sometime now. i had a fight just yesterday. its always about how i'm not helpful in the kitchen. or about my lack of a job.


i dont understand. i really dont. maybe i'm refusing to understand. and that's because it does not make any sense to me.


if you know my mom you know how she goes on and on about how she is just waiting for me to go to work. and i've been hearing this from the year 2005. from the time i did my a levels. to the time i went to uni. how i dont need to take honours because i need to go to work early. blablabla. its been on loop since then and now its on overdrive. i have stopped counting the times i cried in the shower. or rather, took a shower to have a good cry.

at some point i became used to it. and at some point i became indifferent. but now, i'm paranoid. maybe all the things those people said are actually true. who wants a lit major? you? i've not gotten replies at all. and my mom keeps pointing out to everyone that i've graduated. that i'm looking for a job. every tom, dick and harry gives me unsolicited advice. why dont you go into teaching....i'm at the verge of asking people who recommend teaching to just go and die. i've been cursing them inwardly though. that's where i'm channeling all this anger to.


i'm tired. why me. always.


it sucks to be the eldest child. you've to do every damn thing yourself. you've to be the first to do it. and no one will care. or help you constructively. or understand the situation. you've to do things to please your folks. you're the eldest. so you've to do this. so just do it. please god. i'm tired. give me the post midnight energy in the mornings. in the afternoons. please send me things my way. i know i'm bloody lazy. please ask suzy to slap me. please. i promise to buy ball ball ice cream.


i cannot put into words how much the rehearsals are keeping me alive. seeing my dear conductor, smile and make such beautiful music despite his tiredness makes it worthwhile. i can block out ms knowitall and mr stupidboy. playing amritavarshini soothes my tortured ears and cuts a deeper notch in my finger for me to admire on the bus. it keeps me away from home - legally. gives me something to look forward to on march 20th.


i dont know how many people i'm torturing by whining and narrating my crappy sob story. i'm sorry. i usually suck up to it and do it.


guess i'll just try that this week...