perfectionism.

dearest shadow,


I'm really at a loss of words at this point. i tried to start this post 5 times. unsuccessfully. that ought to tell you something. i'll just jump into it.


Today, i finally managed to clean my room. or rather, i should say that i managed to rearrange the junk in my room so that it looks decent enough to show someone. I guess it all started with that. I tried to arrange all the stuff which was previously on my shelves into my new wardrobe. and i did that something like 4 times. Each time, i was not satisfied with the position of a particular item. and finally when i got exhausted, i simply chucked the stuff in to the cupboard.


and again, i rearranged it. it looks somewhat normal now. till i get annoyed with it again.


then around 7, i decided to spray paint the swing. i had earlier painted the chains holding them up and i did a pretty good job of it. so i went to clean my room and put the spraying to the end. i started out with a rather full can of black spray paint. and i did a fairly good job. Really. most people, even my father would have said i did a perfect job...but was i satisfied with it?


nooooooooo. why? cuz i didn't look very even to me.


so i redid it. and then, one side was more black than the other. so i redid it. and i redid it. then i realised the edges were not well covered. so i did the edges like 7 times. only to realise that its gotten too dark. and i redid the whole damn thing again.

all that while, all i should have done is to sit and wait for the paint to dry. but did i do that? no. so after a brief argument with the deep recesses of my brain, i decided to sit still for a while to assess the damage.


and it was rather bad. cuz i had over done it. and as always, being the diy-fix-it-yourself person i am, i managed to fix it with a lil' trick i learnt in art class.


turpentine.


wet cloth with turpentine and wipe it round in circles and you get rid of too much excess while you move the paint around! brilliant. and it truly was. even coverage throughout. UNTIL, i messed it up by running the tissue over an undried spot. the tissue stuck to the wood. i tried scraping it off and it became bigger and bigger and bigger. i ran out of paint and just hit my head on the edge of the swing. voluntarily. could have waited for the paint to dry...but no! it has to be perfect. NOW.


i guess i've to learn a huge lesson from this. perfectionism is not beautiful. perfectionism is not the ultimate goal. and being possessive is not good at all.


just because i love the swing...i have disfigured it. i cannot count the number of handmade gifts i wrecked. so many cards. and i cannot count the amount of paper i wasted on lousy poems, line drawings, random sketches...simply because its not good enough for me. I'm good with my hands. why can't i recognise that? i know how to do things well enough. I can change a lightbulb. does it matter if i do it perfectly?. . . . . i'm tired. of being critical of myself even if i do a good job. someone has to swing me round and slap me hard. i've to learn to be less possessive. of things. of people. so that i can keep a cleaner shelf, rearrange it less and let people stay sane. maybe thats why they leave.


sigh. after apologising profusely, i helped dad sandpaper the swing...it looks decent now although i can feel that botched areas....and i promise i'll do a good repainting job. minus the perfectionism. oh wait. minus the excessive perfectionism....i managed to reduce my root beer! i hope i'll pull this one off.


bubbye.



P.s. turpentine makes me high.