of muses and wishes.

dearest shadow,


i found my muse.


or rather, i found a bunch of muses. people who get me thinking. people who get me talking. they've been there. for longer than the chronological time stands for. and yet, i realised that they were muses rather late.

first and foremost, since i love myself so much, and have a healthy sense of self worthiness and ego, i've to say, my first muse, the one i discovered at the silly age of 14, is the shadow. yes. yes. you. notice that i didnt say MY shadow, despite my healthy sense of blablacrap.


i thank god for them. i know muses never stay long. they stay long enough to amuse you. a-muse you. to be a-muse to you. hah. cute. they go away after a while. and i'll hold them close long after they part. . . .


life's been taxing lately. i'm behind schedule for alot of things. i suppose i've not learnt my lesson about praying and wishing. y'know, i think god actually likes me. and i mean that in two ways. first, he likes me, as a cute (overgrown) child (who thinks too much). and second, he likes toying with me to see how i react, how i blab, how i curse and so, he grants my wishes.


i asked god that i should go to art college, do something related to drama and literature. and he granted that. albeit not exactly in that order, to that effect. he sent me to college. but to junior college. allowed me to do arts and gladly gave me literature. but In Tamil. After two years of repeat telecasts of this story to poor unsuspecting patient souls, he decided that he'll send me to uni and finally let me do my literature and theatre studies. maybe he listened. sure he did.


now, i've to look back on this and remember to always be specific with god. i wanted a bunch of muses. and yeap. i got em. again, i wasn't specific, so he decided to put them around everywhere, unspecifically...in the places too obvious to look.


i wonder what he does when i wish people dead. to be shot at point blank range. or the ones i hope will slip and fall and injure their backs...so that they'll understand the pain of not being able sleep or turn. and those people who bullied me about being thin, i hoped they'd grow so unhealthily obese that they'd have to envy my metabolism. how about those i want to punch? does someone else punch them? maybe metaphorically? i'd have shot 4 people today. i think i know what he does.


discretion. practice discretion.


so here's me being specific. give me patience and love to give the ones who shower me with kindness and smiles. give me words in anger so that i may speak them without a stutter. give me tears when i marvel at beauty. give me patience with myself so that i may learn and grow in my own way. give me time to sit and reflect under the stars. give me the strength to fight (back) pain. give me boldness to always ask you for more.


above all, give me the grace and wisdom to realise that you are as real, unnoticeable, omnipresent and fundamental as the very air i breathe.