twenties.

Dear shadow,


Some days are just hard to get by. I've been having my splitting headache for the longest time. almost 9 nine days consecutively. on and off. Thanks to the pressures of graduating in time. and thanks to my mother constantly asking me what i'm going to do once i graduate.


i'm going to give another 3 chances before i lost my head with this question. After which, i will choose to remain silent, say huh repeatedly, shrug my shoulders or simply ask why they are interested in what i choose to do with my life.

Maybe, just maybe, if i want to be really mean, i'll keep a really straight face and say that I want to be a housewife who wears dresses and loves arranging perfectly folded clothes according to the colours of the rainbow. that was a very long sentence. maybe by the time i finish that, they'll just get a heart attack and fall on the floor. i'll be poised to make my quick getaway. anyone wants to be my alibi? i pay in ice cream.


ah. my sense of humour. my lovely sarcasm. and endless digressions. its back. how i missed you so. i'm afraid that i'm losing it. slowly but surely. i think i see a small dent in my carefree spirit. no more prancing around these days. i used to get some money and i'd prance around the house. lie down on the swing and hear it creak. now i'm becoming a 'grown-up'. no more ice cream or happy carefree days for me!


I've got to figure out what to do with my life now. i'll soon have to pay my parents back for my education. my laptop loan is still pending. i'll have to think about some kind of post graduate studies. one day, my mother will pressure me into holy matrimony. i'll wake up next to another creature. god knows if he snores. and god knows how he treats non-morning loving people. then i'll probably get a lecture about how my biological clock is ticking and how i've to have a child. i'll have to do *it* -- yes. i still can't get past having to sleep with someone, someday. and then spend the next nine months waiting to expel another human being from my womb while putting my career on the line and having my mother breathe down my neck.


wow. my twenties are going to be darn enjoyable. can i just run away on the pretext of a masters education? maybe get secretly married. then turn up at my parent's doorstep and tell them i want to marry him. get married again. this time, i probably have become comfortable with him enough to sleep with him. and maybe he'll love my lion's mane in the morning.


in case you are wondering, which i know you are, my cousin is getting married. this one is on my mother's side. she's a year older than me. she's only got a diploma so she entered the workforce early. she got herself a boyfriend. the same people who scrutinse every single movement of mine, right down to whether my paperclip earring is real or not, are alright with her having a boyfriend...and think something's wrong with me because i cant seem to hook up with one...she's marrying the son of a well known restaurateur. so yea. she's settled in life now. i still dont get what's up with people on my mother's side --they seem to like restaurateurs. ah well. all eyes are on me now. girl who got a degree. spent ten years getting a music education. girl who cant wear skirts or cook anything decent.


please tell me. that like today's episode on friends, i'll figure things out. and that i'll stay strong like i've always been. that despite all this verbal bullying, i'll resist pressure. tell me that i will not give in to be moulded into a mary poppins. tell me that despite all the crap, i'll end up like audrey hepburn. not one hair out of line. in love with casual fashion, still hugging jeans from twenty years ago -- provided they fit. grounded. and maybe, look fabulous along the way.


and tell me. that some invisible hand will guide me.


that is all i ask. yet, i end up asking for all.