ellipsis

dear shadow,

i've resolved to myself that i'll publish this post. despite the anticipation of how incoherent i will sound. not that i sound normal on other days but you get the idea.


today, my facebook status reads: (my name) feels a profound sadness for mj's death. it finally sank in...


note the ellipsis. when i was younger, it was impossible for me to blog without them. but these days, i'm more respecting of grammatical rules and use them only when they are intended. when words fail me and silence engulfs them. Recently, i've been pretty much doing a good job of being a couch potato. and just watching more tv than what i'm used to.

he's all over tv. i cannot watch 30 mins of mtv without a news about him. and for some reason, i feel really really sad. i cannot think of another time i cried for someone i didnt know. in fact, i didnt even realise i was crying. i was lying down on the cushion watching the half hour show on him. all his best works. all his works are the best and i got up to shift myself and realised that the cushion was wet. couldnt be drool i thought. and then i realised i had cried for no apparent reason.


i mean, he doesnt know me. the closest he's been to me was when he came to singapore in 1993 and i saw him on tv when he landed. and i dont know him. but its weird cuz it seems like i'm crying for someone i know and have connected with.


music? could it be just that? i dont quite know. i was really looking forward to the 50 or so concerts he was going to do. its been on my mind since he announced it and i was quietly excited. and at this point, i'm wondering if i can even finish this entry... :'(


my brother woke me up violently and told me that michael jackson was dead. and i screamed at him saying that's not a funny joke and i swore i was going to slap him. he just turned up the tv volume and there it was. mins later nan called. and it was so surreal. we talked about him just the day before. it's so so surreal to me. and i remembered the time he pulled a prank like that...supposedly a publicity stunt. but then, ET aired the photo of him being resuscitated and i must have looked like I was going to die of shock...


i think that image of him and his song you are not alone will leave a serious mark. i loved him and his music very much. and i was floored when he said this:

Consciousness expresses itself through creation. This world we live in is the dance of the creator. Dancers come and go in the twinkling of an eye but the dance lives on. On many an occasion, when I am dancing, I have felt touched by something sacred. In those moments, I felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists. I become the stars and the moon. I become the lover and the beloved. I become the victor and the vanquished. I become the master and the slave. I become the singer and the song. I become the knower and the known. I keep on dancing and then, it is the eternal dance of creation. The creator and the creation merge into one wholeness of joy. I keep on dancing...until there is only...the dance.

--Michael Jackson

That was probably the most spiritual thing i've heard. at the time i heard that, i felt like i looked at someone who had touched god. it touched a nerve. a raw nerve. and i felt so overcome with passion that I wanted to walk into the television set and just collapse at his feet. my jaw dropped to the floor and i wondered what the hell he was doing on earth. to me, he lives on a different plane of existence.


I think i will hold unto that quote for a long, long time to come. it'll be another talking point: where was i when mj died? what did i do? omg! you were alive when mj was alive? you lived in the same century?! mj's your dad's age? kewl! so which is your favourite song? how on earth can you even think of picking one? maybe i'm just imagining things...


i know death is inevitable. every breath we take leads us there. i'm coming to terms with it. in a few days, it'll be my granma's death anniversary. and i think i'll sink again. somewhat like quicksand. the more you stuggle to fight it, the more it pulls you in. and yet, the more stoic you behave, the more it will pull you in. why do such dichotomies exist? to remind us of the fragility of life? its fleeting nature? or remind us that polar opposites are, as opposed to being on two sides of the spectrum, really exist side by side.


so that's another greatest hits to buy. i promise i will never say heal the world was a corny song. i've just had a good cry to that song...has never really been corny. he broke a leg, far too early in life and never managed a bow before the curtains closed. a fade out. so sad.

i will miss him. alot.

.rip mj.