read and weep

dearest shadow,


i have a folder in my yahoo mail that says shadow.


it has all the communication that people have made with me thru my blog. except if people leave me a tag. all comments, and those occasional thingys that come via the blackbox under the tag board, are filed under there.

sometimes, i move mail from people i know into other folders other than inbox. just in case i delete it at some point. and i accidentally pressed the shadow folder instead and read thru all the comments i've ever received. not that i didnt want to.


so yea, i read thru some of those old stuff. and i had so many emotions as i flipped thru them. at some point, i felt indifferent. then i got thinking about how my life would have turned out if some people were still in my life. its a startling thought. and i can't believe how seriously stupid i was something like 5 years ago. seriously. its such a pain to even read entries from sometime back. and all the ellipses! everywhere! gosh. maybe i'll read this a few years from now and think i was a prude. or gasp at the thought of beginning a sentence with lower caps. for the record, i'm currently worshipping e e cummings. interesting man. but i digress.

i guess we are always versions of ourselves at any point. at every point, we think we are the best versions of ourselves. but its when we step back that we realise our own flaws. where there's a huge gaping hole. the perfectionist in my head was thinking. i took a break and i stared out into the night sky. admired the two stars i shifted by bed for and realised that i for as long as i am the best i can possibly be at the point in time, my stupidity doesn't matter. its just a part of growing. moulding. moulting. shedding. whatever.

as usual, i remembered one of my favourite quotes.

I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known. -Chuck Palahnuik


I wonder if anyone has my evil laugh. ;)