answers.

dearest shadow,


i've to write. but i dont know what to write about. what i want to say. what i need to argue against. some questions just sound rhetorical.

maybe there are no answers. maybe they dont really need an answer because no one really cares about those answers. cultural performativity of shakespeare.


the next two papers i have to write will be one of the toughest i've written so far. it pushes my thinking to the limit. but i'm nowhere near the word limit. the cursors blink in a way it never does when i write to you. again, i ask myself why i love my degree. i do. but i have no answers.


i'm telling myself that i've a beautiful trip ahead of me. i'm orchestrating every little move, script every little thing to ask, just in case i forget. i'm making bookings well in advance. i want more trips like this. it makes my heart flutter and makes me dread shakespeare over a simple sunrise at angkor wat.

everyone has been asking me about what i want to do after i graduate. I have so many varied answers. there's an interview coming up. 18 november. i want to ace it. i want to do this. i can answer in confidence -- its drama marrying literature.

you write the press releases, plan the press conferences. tell the people what to say. write their scripts. dress up. watch in the background, small walkie in hand. like a human control tower, waiting for a lineup to the runway. look at the watch. nod. give signal to take off. waiting and waiting for it to take off. watch it do a 360, and land seamlessly. the smug look. a playful wink. waiting for one more person to come up to you to ask, "did i say my lines right?"


replying yes.

"good job g3. perfect."

and calling it a wrap.



maybe i'll get there. wait. no. i want to get there. i'll start at the bottom. where i always do. backstage. and do what i need to do.


here's hoping that the exams go fine. that i get my C's. not asking for much god. not asking for much. give me my degree. give me my interview/ internship and let me celebrate in style -- in slippers, watching sunrise and sunset in cambodia. i'll be flying on new year's day and making my mini pilgrimage up 272 steps to see you and thank your will with all my heart. i'll start my year right and come back to a brand new year, a with clean laundry and a clean room. with a brand new career ahead and a million smiles from a coming-of-age trip.


Please god. thank you.


---------


P.S. And while you're processing that, some ideas for shakespeare please?