double standards

Dearest shadow,


i didnt have a good dinner today. It started with a stupid new rule that was enforced. note the word: enforced. the new rule: i cannot put my toes on the coffee table. because is supposedly means that i disrespect the coffee table. and why is this significant enough to fight over? because we serve drinks to my imbecile relatives on that table. food and drink is god. well, i've put my butt on it and sat on the table while watching tv and cutting my toenails. hmmmm...the coffeetable must have felt so so disrespected that it would have felt like committing suicide.


when i start doing stupid things like that, i will call a friend. and if i dont know any of the friends i have today, then i will call a counsellor, go to my doctor and get some help. i'm not going to say that its a natural part of aging. puberty was natural too and everyone made such a big fuss about it. so why dont people do the same for the other end?


i did some research. we supposedly pms 450 times in our lives. so based on that average, and assuming that i have 2 children....

450/12 = 37 years and 6 months
factor in two children
37 y.6 mo + 20 months = 39 yrs and 2 months.
39 yrs - 10 years which are over already = (±)29 years.
supposing my body is weird just like my brain = priceless

so i'll prolly hit menopause when i'm 54. maybe earlier at 52. even if i delete this blog, i will save this post and all other "i-want-my-life-to-be-like-this" and "please-god-save-me-from-turning-into-my-mother" kind of posts.

so now you know why my posts dont have labels!


but on a more serious note. i dont want to turn into a chronically angry, tactless and emotional person. I'll be sleeping next to a man who'll probably be experiencing typical male pattern baldness and freaking out about whether i'll discover his secret stash of viagra / porn magazines - or whatever's in vogue then. being the perfectionist egotistical maniac that i am, i might be giving my children hell about their messy rooms, their unkempt hair, the lousy music they listen to and make them listen to the lovely story about how my pet fish used to sleep, a million times before i realise what a bitch i'm becoming.


no. i should not practise double standards. if the less than perfect world forces me to, i shall do it in secret as much as possible so that my hypocrisy and failures stay with me.

nobody will be my punching bag. i'll write. binge eat. or cry in the shower. listen to bhagavad gita. i cannot make someone else feel lousy about themselves for my own problems and inadequacies. it is not right. no its not. i can talk to someone and halve my burden. but i must also give them joy so that it doubles. punching bags belong in the gym.

if my back aches terribly, i'll cry in my sleep as usual, pop ibuprofen for the pain and valium to treat the addiction if necessary...



::thankew god for giving me the temp job. i couldnt stand being at home. i really needed it. you always know what i need. i know. just in case, let me just put in the above requests 25 or so years in advance. you can take your time to process them. send me an angel or two in the meantime to help me write decent cover letters. thank you so much again. i'm sorry for threatening you at mariamman temple on kumbabishegam day. i just felt like no one heard me and i was angry with you. but you understand right? right.


yay.