procrastination.

Dearest shadow,


I have an obligatory birthday post to write. but right now i need to rant.


1.36 am right now. I'm not up because i want to be. not because they are playing vh1 hits on mtv. rather because 1) i procrastinated doing something 2) i can't stand doing this that's why i procrastinated.


I have many reasons for procrastination. I acknowledge that I justify it most of the time. I know its a bad habit. I also know that I've tried to break it many times. Here's the deal. I only procrastinate on certain tasks. I mean, if i need to know my bank balance, i'll call them up. like now. but why not with other things? So that got me thinking.

why.


Not that all the tasks I procrastinate on are unpleasant. It's just that I dont believe in them. My father asked me to do a task that is supposedly good for my future. and while i did it the first time, and i did my best to believe in the rationale behind it, i wasn't able to keep it up. I wasn't convinced that it'll really help me. Why do we get people to do things that are supposedly good for them when they dont believe in it? Not that i'm being bitchy about my dad's good intentions. But who's to prove that it'll be good for me? Especially if it's so trivial! with so much of micromanagement!


But really. Imagine if i asked you to read Pride and Prejudice because its the kind of book that everyone should have read at least once. Are you really going to read it? and if you do, Are you actually going to appreciate what liz and darcy are doing in that book? NO. Or if i told you, please do a disk clean up on your computer once a month; it's very good for your computer. and you're a serious computer-phobe....not happening. I bought myself vitamins because I let people tell me that i'm undernourished. now, what made me think that I, miss-hate-swallowing-pills, would actually keep up with it? I must eat the vitamins because I WANT TO. (which btw, I want to. need the discipline to do it. that's a story for another post.)


I just hate tasks that are unnecessary. things that have rationales that work for a few people. I'm guilty of telling people what's good for them. YES! but the difference is that, I dont make anyone do things that they seriously hate or are lousy at. I mean, if you hate pickles, i wont buy you a subway sandwich with pickles in it. period. dont buy me one stuffed with tomatoes and nag me while i fish them out. I've to tell my how-i-used-to-love-tomatoes story once again.


I was speaking with someone about how i feel disorganized...about how everything is all over the place and everytime i set something right, something else goes outta balance. That someone told me that if we think we are coping with life, that's when we must start worrying. I seriously don't know what to think of that.


I'm quite tired. Wish that there'll be less one size fits all. Wish that there will be more listening and less hearing. more empathy and less sympathy. more smiling with less griping. and i pray that there will be more truth and less facades. I'm not in the mood to put myself in other people's shoes and i'm really not in the mood for a paradigm shift. Really not interested to make the effort. I'm really tired. I've other things to do with my life. Even if i didnt have anything to do, i'll probably prance around the house or just clean up my perpetually messy room.


I feel less and less obliged to please people. to keep up with the world. less obliged to make a good impression. to pretend like i give a damn. I put in the minimum or just put it off. It saps my energy to be cordial / polite / kind in the name of being socially acceptable. maybe i should stop caring. altogether. and then people realise something is wrong and then come looking for me. isn't that much much better?


maybe then they'll listen. with their hearts. for once.


P.S. its exactly 2.47am and my file is still converting. I've not done much. :(