self-consolation

Dearest shadow,

I've been angry for quite a bit. Have very little outlet for my anger and so i've been directing it the only person who will not fight back.

God.

I ask, time and time again, why. Questions that are useless. questions which cause paranoia. and questions which are futile...for they never get answered. I have been angry because i've been convinced that i've not been loved and treated fairly by god.


Honestly, i'm not a religious person. I go to the temple only to hang out and be away from crowds. Praying with a huge group of people creeps me out. My mind wanders. I don't know if god can hear me properly. I leave wondering if i had phrased my requests properly. After all, he gets confused and gives me things that are so close yet so far.

Me: Dear god, i'd like to go to art college and if possible, do literature as well.

god's reply: Yes. Approved. You have been given a route to PeeJay Collge, in the arts stream and expected to do tamil literature.

MY fault. entirely.


Dear god, why did you make water taste so plain? why did you make idiots? why do the mean people get away with things? what are you doing when unfair things happen? Why do you say you are everywhere but you don't make your presence felt? Do you enjoy being misunderstood? Do you know that i'm tired of waiting for answers? When will you punish the idiots? Am i supposed to wait till judgement day? or are we operating on the karmic system? Do you even punish people? Do you think i'm childish and therefore you answer my prayers in weird ways?


Sigh. I once read somewhere that god answers all our prayers...just not in the way we can perceive. after all, god works in mysterious ways right. Maybe. So I thought and thought and then decided to read a book. I read this passage today and it seems like an answer, like a pop up that firefox did not block. It fits all my questions if I change one word.

The idiots  are like the monster reptiles of the prehistoric eras; they play a necessary part in the evolutionary process but the same Power which produced them will dispose of them.


Alright monster reptiles. Do what you can. Thank you for helping me evolve. At least i'm getting stronger right? I don't lead an abject, wretched life like those people who are constantly out to get you...constantly jealous. I don't experience poverty in my soul...and perhaps, I'm more optimistic in the faith that they will be disposed from my life....some vestige of them will remain...in the form of bones. I shalt look back at them and marvel at my evolved-ness, my "growth" and the terrain we have to pass through to evolve and grow.


I hope that was an answer. Because, i'm consoling myself on that. If it wasn't, I don't know who else I can pose all these questions to.....



and who else I have the right to be angry with.