on standard tickets

Dear shadow,


I'd like to think that i'm a pretty organised person. I get things done quite seamlessly and i dont huff and puff about it. Really. I don't see the point in it. I just don't think so much about why I do it. I just think about how satisfied i will feel after I do something in my own perfectionistic way. gives me energy to get stuff done.


Today, i was getting ready for a wedding reception. I really enjoyed getting ready. It happened like magic. My brain just seemed to access all the lists that I made for concerts thus far. I could actually close my eyes and see the pictures, the cursive handwriting on the back of postcards taken from the CFA cupboard.... My venmai list is the most memorable. heh. of course right....but yea, i chuckled to myself cuz the years of list making actually helped. I got ready without breaking a sweat. I knew i had to do my make up first so that i dont get any of it on my sari. I had ironed it and made sure that i got the pleats neatly ironed as well. It does wonders when you actually drape the sari. So yea. it looked quite good. the sari turned out exceptional. Perfect. As always. I even had a little girl bag to bring my phone and stuff.


so i bet you're wondering where the catch is right? why am i bothering to write such mundane stuff at 2 am in the morning? yes. coming.


In the process of patting myself on the back and feeling so much pride at my efficiency, I failed to realise that murphy's law was slowly creeping up, smiled at me like a cheshire cat and disappeared. And as you know, a cheshire cat's smile lasts for a bit.


well, i left my house without my keys, wallet and cards. I left slightly earlier from the party and someone drove me out of the remote place and I had gone far out of the location and into the mrt station only to realise that i dont have a single cent on me. No cards to draw out money. Or to take a cab and pay by nets. No means of going back to the party to beg my parents for cash. Not a single person who left from the party and is taking the train home now. NOTHING. thank god that shiv was there to bail me out and give me the only 10 dollars he has on him. He has nothing to top up his ez link card with...

3.30 cents. and the machine did not accept 10 dollar bills. It took me back to the stupid machines at KL sentral. the station control person saw the struggling, managed to give me change and the machine took the money after much persuasion. I was still thanking my lucky stars and thinking of what i would have done if i didn't meet my brother. I mean, i could not have walked back to the place. It was too far, too remote, too dark, didn't know the route even. And it was so late. close to no one in sight.


finally we get to under the block, my brother says he is hungry and wanted to get something to munch...i headed home and what do i realise? NO KEYS. its close to midnight and i am dangerously close to cursing myself. another call and the poor fellow walked all the way back to pass me his keys and then went off to feed his grumbling stomach. I felt so guilty about my forgetfulness...the inconvenience I cause people when I'm disorganised....especially when people rely on me to be the organised person, to keep things running and expect me to be the last one to slip up. Anytime.


For some reason, i got kinda sentimental about being helped today. It was simple...but knowing that someone is there to help me out, especially when i least expect to slip up, was quite comforting. And knowing that sometimes, people go the extra mile for me, just because i've done some boring favour for them, makes me feel so small, strange and happy...its like some kinda breaking news. People actually want an opportunity to help me out and it makes them happy because they've been given a chance to "repay" my lousy favours. I mean really. They are pretty lousy. It doesn't take much effort on my part and i don't even think twice about it. Why? I don't understand the mechanics of this "repaying" business. Doesn't make much sense to me. Why would anyone crave a chance for me to slip up so that they can help me? Its not out of a sadistic desire to see me flustered and helpless, clutching my sari and desperately dialing on my battery weak phone, trying to reach someone queuing for food at a noisy party. nope.


It was out of gratitude.


It brought back all the episodes where someone bought me a standard ticket. I have most of them. I never returned them. Its like some kinda keepsake. a visual reminder that murphy's law never really gets close enough to make things go wrong for me.


I'm still on the fence about altruism. Does it exist? Is gratitude a good feeling to have? After all, you feel a sense of relief that you paid someone back...so that you don't have to owe something. It makes you feel less burdened. its not that you want to do something for someone out of pure selflessness. you just want to pay them back...and the person getting the favour feels like they earned that...thank you, but you know, i helped you out before so its your turn now...you don't really feel a so called "selflessness" in doing the favour and a so called "gratitude" in receiving it... I don't know. i cannot make up my mind.


All i know is that, i'm not altruistic. i derive immense joy in doing something because i'm such a control freak. I can control the outcome of doing that something and that feeds my inner perfectionist...i gain from it. I'm not selfless. not altruistic: the perfect state of being a useful person to the people around you. how to even get there? and if ever it happens, when? sigh.



anyways, its nice to know that standard tickets exist, in the same green from 1987.