on self-sufficiency

Dearest shadow,


Let me start out by stating the obvious: the end of the year is here. It went by in a blink. I don't have something major or monumental about this year because I spent it doing things in a routine way....i spent it with complaints. and I spent it with a less than positive outlook.



I've had the house all to myself for a few days and its been an amazing few days. Minus the fact that its a chore to think of what to eat, and its a serious bore to switch on the tv, it has given me much ME time. Someting that I really crave for. Spending ME time in the library or at the mall makes it less enjoyable.... maybe its all the people walking about...aimlessly.


I was doing some reading. As usual and I stumbled upon some stuff that kinda puts this ME time into perspective. I've always scoffed, rolled my eyes and made personal attacks towards people who direct alot of energy into taking care of themselves. I mean, it is outright selfish isn't it? There are SO many other things that are more significant, require our attention and of course need to be addressed over your own selfish needs.


But, what I read convinced me otherwise. See, this is why I love reading.


We pride ourselves on our self-sufficiency, our ability to do it all...to have it all. But at what cost? If we could only look inward, and focus this self-sufficiency to taking care of our own needs before putting someone first ALL the time, then maybe, just maybe, we'd have slightly more fulfilling lives. When you put someone first, you do it with the best of intentions. Yes. And of course, you have no qualms about it. But when this becomes habit, a habit that you cultivated FOR someone, on behalf of them, then you've got a huge problem on your hands.


Reliance.


How can a beautiful thought, something as selfless as putting someone first, transform into such a nightmare? Because despite the cliche, Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. and Altruism is a myth. Doing things for people doesn't Always make you feel good. It can slowly drain you.
Which means that you essentially force someone into the habit of relying on your support. They never develop their self-sufficiency. They get stuck in that rut. And you don't move on or focus on yourself at all because 1) you are nice enough to put someone first 2) you don't have time to focus on yourself 3) your powers of fair judgement are clouded by your selfless nature, pricking conscience or plain stupidity.


It takes wisdom, courage and strength to admit to yourself that you are not a superhero. You were not meant to go about saving the world from depressing beliefs, help them with their eating disorders or queue up on their behalf.


Nope.


Your life, your track, your fight, is yours and yours alone. While we are all linked karmically to the people around us and their lives are parallels of ours, we are not them and they are not us. I made a silent wish this year. And I think god granted it to me on my birthday. Maybe I was too hung up on my rubik's cube to realise it. I wished for momentum, clarity of thought, the ability to make sound decisions, and the ability to look for the lessons in difficulties.


I actually paid attention to the air people doing their evacuation briefing, and one thing stood out. Always wear your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Even infants. Please give up this seat to those who need it more than you do. If you put yourself in the backseat, ALL or most of the time, then you are operating from an overdrawn account, from the basis that there is a lack of something in your life. There's little of youself to give when you don't give much to youself in the first place. And when you operate from a frequency of lack, you will continue to lack things.


So wait. This reasoning is actually quite sound, you can see how and why it is established this way BUT, it goes against all of my beliefs, values, principles, and blah. It is completely incongruous to the kinda common sense most people operate from...I guess breaking out of such strongly held beliefs is hard. And taking attention away from others is even harder. Taking out all the negative self-talk about your supposed selfishness is worse.


Maybe the lesson is to try and strike a balance. To ensure that you don't burnout in the process of tying to be altruistic. That you give more than enough to yourself before you do for others. And maybe it also involves a process of accepting the love and help of others when you need it. Life will eventually, become clearer, more


So there. I've made peace with it. Selfless, sustainable self-sufficiency. The alliteration makes it so professional sounding doesn't it?