My Dearest shadow,

I've been doing alot of half hearted writing lately and never really found the words to write in here. most of the time, i spent my words complaining, into a very patient ear or spent it explaining into a can't be bothered ear.


well, where shall we start. The positive. yes.


The good news is that I've finished my postgraduate studies. Nothing fabulous but it's another cert nonetheless. I graduated, found a job, finished training, started the postgrad studies, got at least 1 'A' and now i'm done with it. The past two years have been moving at a very fast speed really. I lost track of time. I cannot remember my 2010 or my 2011 very much.


Suddenly I find myself 2 weeks from turning 26 and trying to do a stock take of what i've done, what i've to do and how to do it.


26 seems to be a scary number to the people in my family. Especially my extended family who are extremely concerned at my educational and musical pursuits....that i'm actually not in pursuit of a husband as yet. Maybe something is wrong with her. Tell her not to study so much. Difficult to get a husband. Men don't really like women who are smart. Tell her to cook, wash and clean.


Granted. I've to do those someday. Why can't I just do what I can do while i'm single? I mean, once you cross the line, there's no coming back. No single life for you. Really. You cannot just do your own laundry anymore. Or skip breakfast cuz you're lazy to make it.


I think the root of the issue is really miscommunication. Or rather, the lack of any in the first place. Why am I expected to behave like a 26 year old without being given due respect. It's a rhetorical question. It has no answer. Or maybe deserves no answer because it's me who is asking it...to all the wrong people.


Someday, I'd like to look back, read all these rubbish complaints and really roll my eyes; completely scoff at myself for being so very petty about such small things and lacking foresight. But that day is not now, not anytime soon. Because I lack the perspective to see where all these lacking respect business, poking your nose into my private affairs and expecting me to report to you rubbish will prepare me for blissful domestic life. If anything, I believe that the lack of support from my mum will only leave me more vulnerable to a breakdown if some madness happens.


I'm scared. Very scared to the point that I seem to have lost the childish optimism and the egotistic 'I am better than this' attitude. Having to tread on thin ice all the time is very pressurizing. Not being able to tell you to just shut up is difficult. I cannot offend you, simply because you're my mum. I cannot talk to you because you only do a talk-down approach. So what next, I should develop a 'talk-up' approach so that I will be listened to.


sigh.


I don't like taking a defeatist attitude. Right now, all i'm doing is to pray that I don't step on anyone's toes, that nothing nasty happens, that my wishes will be considered in matters that concern my life. And truly, someday, i want to read back at this post and laugh at all these worries and smirk at how wonderful and smoothly all things turned out.

truly. ;)