word vomit

Dearest shadow,


Its been a really long break. I really miss writing. really miss it.


I got out of bed because there was too much word vomit in my brain....kept swirling around and I kept tossing and turning without any sleep. whatever happened to the days when I could fall asleep without all this nonsense in my brain. i know. I grew up huh. there's no such thing simplicity anymore.


nonetheless, lets begin.


I was excited for 2012 to end. it was a boring year. nothing really happened and perhaps one of my most stuck-est years to date. 2013 came and while it was quite simple, i am glad to leave 2012 behind and begin anew.


on the bright side, I still have wonderful human beings in my life and my career is progressing. I'm ending my contract this year and I'm looking for other major opportunities to do specialisations. I hope that good things work out for me in terms of career. Sometimes I feel like its really one of the brightest things in my life right now.


in the time i wasn't writing, i read alot. and by alot, i really mean alot. to the point that I think i've fallen in love with the 158 section of the dewey decimal code. There's something to the self-help section. Perhaps its the notion that by standing there and picking a book out, you believe that change is possible; that you can improve yourself by just reading a particular book from cover to cover. Or maybe its the realisation that there's so much to change, so many areas you seem to be lacking in that you reach for the only thing that doesn't judge and you can bury yourself in -- a good paperback book.


it's true. my love-hate relationship with books has once again turned into a love-love-love relationship. There's something daunting about trying to learn from and fix things in your life. Maybe what i'm really daunted about is knowing that i've to change my external environment alot more than my internal one. Not that the internal one is perfect or satisfying but, it serves me better than everything else.


Its getting harder and harder to communicate with some of my fellow human beings. Really. Especially those who come with labels which demand mandatory communication. There's no running away. You wake up and power up your electric toothbrush and there they are. Then you get dressed and get yourself to work and there's another one at the photocopier.


Where do these people with labels come from? why do they come with terms and conditions? is there a bloody money back guarantee and where do I find a service centre whenever they short-circuit? I'd whip out my credit card in an instant, pay for the service and do my best not to go back to the collection centre. Probably would learn to live without them in the time it takes to mend the relationship.


I've cultivated alot of the wonderful virtue called patience. Some of it is acceptance of the ways of the world.  Some of it is just learned helplessness. Most of it is just apathy. But I've more patience now. Really. I feel it.


But the point is that, developing patience is not the goal of the lesson. Because if it was, I wouldnt have to go through this rubbish again and again. In more than one domain of my life....Right? Previously, when I started out being bullied at work, I cried alot and then picked myself up and learnt the lesson. And miraculously, the two stupid women left their jobs, the other bitch is no longer my neighbour at work and no longer has the power to enforce rules upon me. The problem just diappeared. The effects linger on; and that's a different story but, nonetheless, I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I had learnt my lesson and god kept his end of the bargain. The problem disappeared.






So give me the bloody lesson already.


If my life were a novel, epistolary or otherwise, two things will be repetitive. 1) dealing with an existentialist crisis around 2 am and 2) lacking clarity where it is needed most. I may not be ready to take the impact of the lesson. But I'm so tired of the repetition that I want to get it over and done with so that I can MOVE ON. Progress sans mental/emotional/environmental barriers. Deep down, I know that no one really gets to a point where it wont turn up again but I want to fix my faults, grow and deal with other stuff! Is that too much to ask?


Meanwhile, let me write a plea to my dearest female species. I used to adore, admire and advocate feminist ideals. But that's in past tense now. Now, I adore those who can escape their performative gender roles and just be their flawed human self.


:)

----
P.S. I actually feel alot happier after writing that down. I really miss writing.