identity crisis

Dearest shadow...

For some reason, i dont quite recognise myself anymore. yes. i know its a scary starting to a blogpost. but hang in there. this is not a thriller. its non-fiction. i'll explain. lets just say that i have rather peculiar habits. i actually keep track of the kinds of changes that i've made to myself. certainly not in a narcissistic manner. its more to police myself. to make sure that the judge in my self-constructed supreme court is satisfied with the way that i am. the way i conduct myself.

I strongly believe that i should never compromise anything to live a less than ideal life. i mean, whats the use of living life the way other people expect you to live? and whats the point of giving important entities up when giving them up constitutes a life of mediocrity?

i know that i've grown up. in many ways. and i know that the things that i have embraced, the people i care for and the things that i've cast away are my choices. things that nobody could possibly have made me do. i'm a horribly obstinate person. and thats something that i wont give up. because i believe that the things i'm stubborn about are fair and just.

these days, i'm not quite that person sometimes. its like i've an identity crisis. i mean, i know that the person that i'm looking at is the same old me, albeit the eyebags and wrinkles. but deep down, i wonder whether its the same.

y'know, i've never really lost my patience. i've gotten very irritated and frustrated at things. those are the result of my persistent need for perfectionism. but i never lost my patience and i never gave up hope.

and these days, i get angry. easily. i lose my patience waiting for the 6 min boon lay train. i curse 96 whenever it stops at all 8 traffic light on the way to school. i cannot stand it when people make jokes about me. i dont get it. i find it insulting enough to raise my hands to their face. and i cant stand people who treat arts students like vermins. and yes. the lack of money in the atm machines.

I always picked myself up when i fell. i'd get up, dust myself and say that i'll do better. that i'm learning and falling is a part of that. i'd proudly show all the scars and remember the dates i acquired them and smile when i think that i never cried. i always believed it was the failures that got me to where i am now. but i dont quite do that anymore. when i fall, i got up and looked around to see if someone saw me fall. and i felt the pain. as though it was something acute.

i wonder where my being at peace with the world went to. where my patience went. who stole my hope and what happened to me being caring and giving to people. my sense of wonder diminished. and my belief that love is perennial is thrown out the window.

that makes me less of a human. the ability to think and feel, the sixth sense is what makes us human and alive. if those senses are muted, then what does one become? a living contradiction. a walking paradox of sorts.

sigh. i suddenly just remembered greek mythology. pandora receives an exotic wedding present. a gorgeous chest. and she is bid not to open it. but an object so opulent and exquisite beckons her curiosity. she opens it and inadvertently releases the feelings of negativity into the world. upon knowing what she just did, she tries to shut it again. and hears a tiny voice from inside begging to be free. hope begs her. that it may try and lessen the effects of those negatives and bring a glimmer of light to the darkened world.

i will cling on to that light. wherever it may lead, however faint and insignificant and forgive myself. for the times i lose patience and for the times i let anger overwhelm me. and for the things i inadvertently do. just like pandora. but dont expect me to forgive you for the things i dont like. for the jovial person i am, i have an equally opposite side. those who've seen it will know. takes much much less to tick me off these days.

so leave me be. and let me sort myself out. i'm fine. even with my internal dilemmas.