melancholy

dearest shadow...

please bear with me today. i cant stand myself sometimes so i totally understand if you get annoyed. but just today, please listen. i've got too much noise in my head.


i'm sorry that i'm not being grateful for being fed, clothed and sheltered. i thought it was my birth right.

i didnt know that expression of emotions was a sign of weakness. I thought succumbing to the demands of people was a sign of weakness.

i know i can be a real burden. i make many things difficult. i try and keep from failure. i'm still reaching perfection. it just seems so difficult.

i never thought that i was talented because i was allowed to be. i was thinking wrongly that it was on my own merit. thank you for reminding me. i will try and keep it that way.

i didnt know that being more intelligent made you more susceptible to judgements. i only knew that it made you rise above petty stereotypes. i'll try and convert myself.

i didnt know that i was supposed to keep myself bonded to my family because i belong to someone. All i knew is that that the body is perishable. bonds with people are as superficial as the perishability of body and blood that binds you together. All i knew was that the soul is indestructible and karma is eternal. I thought that i should strive to remove myself from attachments. I didnt know that i should bind myself back. now i do.

i never fathomed that silence is a physical demonstration of arrogance. I thought it was an attribute of the wise. i know better now.

It never occurred to me that i was supposed to live my life according to norms and expectations set by humanity, society and nuclear groups called family and extended family. I always thought that living in accordance to a self defined moral and ethical code was the doorway to nirvana.

i thought god is everywhere. and every word spoken in faith is a prayer. be it mixed with lousy chinese and english, or just in a single tear down the cheek. now i know that god has a doorway in my storeroom-which-became-a-prayer-room.

i've been taught that the word communication was borrowed from latin and old french to mean giving to another as a partaker. i recently learnt the new, revised version. thank you.

i believed with all my heart that love was unconditional and beautiful. i still cant accept it comes with a written contract. hope you notice my signature was half hearted. i'll come to terms with it. really. i will. soon enough.

i know my threshold of pain. i think its been increased now. i can see it in action when i feel numb when you talk down to me. its a good thing too. more people can converse with me without argument.

i think the alter ego is crying. too much romanticism makes you lose touch with reality.

pretty much everything in life is about the gulf between rhetoric and reality,
this is one of those posts.


thank you for listening. the noise has died down.

once again.

i'm not sure if thats a good thing.