13th october

Dearest shadow...

i've been having too much fun to update. yep. you heard me right. really.

right. where shall i start? the obvious? 13th october? ;)

i had a wonderful birthday! omg. i never thought that turning 21 was going to be this fun. if i did, i wouldnt have been pretending that i will always be 20. its a nice number. but 21 is not a bad number too. ages are just numbers right? plus, the older you grow, you're less prone to pimples. but i heard wrinkles come to help you ease that emptiness caused by lack of pimples. damn!

hah. but i guess it aint that bad. i love how age looks on a woman. although it doesnt look absolutely gorgeous, it looks sophisticated, experienced and almost glamorous.

I actually feel it. I feel better. nicer. forward looking. and perhaps more whole. whole in the sense that i have things that i need. anything that is a lack in my life might probably make the whole balance thing upside down. i've been doing some thinking. not in the usual panicky, the-world-might-end-if-i-dont-do-this-on-time way. and being calm really works for me i think. i realised that i've not been a failure like i was labelled many times over. i really wished that i would have been able to realise that i was worth much more than many things put together. i mean, if i knew then, where i'd be here today, how easily and swiftly i would have brushed my fears away. walked with a bold step everytime and laugh people in the face when they define success in the most narrow minded way possible. i would not have looked for love, friendship, companionship and happiness in all the wrong ways with all the wrong people, hoping to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

it was after i turned 21, that i was fully able to appreciate my "failure" past and this children's story i read.

A beggar, cold and hungry on a cold winter's night went searching for food. A baker was closing up when he saw the old beggar shivering in tatters, eyes hungry for food. The baker took pity and gave him 7 buns to eat. The beggar ate. Ravenously. The baker watched in joy. upon finishing the last bun, the beggar started to cry. upon asking why he was crying he said "it was the last bun that filled my stomach completely. i wished i had eaten the 7th bun first and saved the six for another day." All the baker did was laugh.

sometimes, i tend not to see that i'm more than the sum of my mistakes, habits and eccentricities put together. its like, i have a definition. g3: noun. etymology, truncated modern english. mad about shakespeare and chocolate. often late for school. fire tiger libran. loves music and the arts. And it ends there. its like, where the hell is the rest? and why am i not seeing it for myself when i LIVE with myself 24/7 ?

i need another lightning strike. no wait. i also learnt that i must be careful what i wish for. i might just get it. :)

had a talk with the birthday girl today. suzy baby. i realised how much of myself i see in her. its like, i'm with a mirror. except we look physically different. I'm happy.contented. jubilant. and more than what any degree of what that word can signify. Glad that i have wonderful souls in my life. I can be what i am, without judgment. and still get to be spoilt with unconditional love.

you're jealous arent you? :P
heh.

tralalalala.