escapology

dearest shadow,

I'm experiencing a myriad of emotions right now. so let me draw you attention to that red square with an X in it at the top right corner of the screen. thats your escapism if you find me boring. i hardly think i'm boring but yes, i usually dont makes sense. so please feel free to go clicky that box. i wish i can escape reality like that.

i'm a realist. i know i contradict myself by being a idealist at the same time. but hey, thats a libran for you. i cant seem to stand living in this ordinary reality. i keep finding for something exceptional, something beautiful. why do such things come rarely? once in a blue moon? its not fair...sigh.

today, reality sucks. for reasons that i will not specify explicitly as they are rather politically incorrect. and yes, whoever said that time is relative is really wrong. i know my quantum physics/mechanics. well enough indeed.

i'm sitting in my room watching the pregnant clouds pour their joy out. the song of the wind, the beats of thunder and purple lightning, ever trying to reach the ground in his time of fame. the earthy smell mixes with the scented candles burning in my room...and the moon, looking on so high and mighty, smirking at everyone as if saying that he's the prettiest of them all. wonder why the stars are not competing today.

sigh. i still keep getting flashes of that pretty sky. i remember waiting for the rain for to just get over and done with. perhaps one of those days which i was singing rain rain go away. wearing my little brother's street soccer shoes and the other one's jersey, hands on glass doors, staring at that thing which i longed to touch. finally the rain listened to my prayer. and i stepped onto the wet hangar, and touched the plane for the first time. the whole thing looked artistic. not mechanical.

i went in all strapped up, with microphones, headphones and lifesaving stuff. as if i'd care if i died while flying. i nearly teared up when i sat in the pilot's chair. it was a long wait. i imagined it a thousand times. but for once, it was real. i could see the gyroscopes, compasses, fuel gauge, radio, and lotsa other stuff. what mattered was that i was staring straight into the sky with my hands on the steering.

my stomach went felt it first. lift off. when gravity no longer holds you down, you thank the long dead wright brothers for their eccentric perseverance. Saw LT 11 and the big orange bus, which resembles my hot wheels toy from a decade back. and of course the rich people's double digit million dollar bungalows with swimming pools at bukit timah hill.

i know that everything that happens is for a good reason. i've heard that a million times. heck, i preach it myself. for some reason, my heart and mind does not wish to accept that i am not flying anymore. i'm not interested in that little laminated card that says probational pilot's licence. i mean, who cares? its a piece of plastic. even if i cant get that card, i dont see why i cant fly. why cant there be a non government organisation that does this? why must it be under the government? i dont see why they have to be such control freaks. i mean, lets face it, we are small and so is our air space. you rule the land. what's up ruling the skies too? who in the skies voted you? the clouds? i didnt know skies were bound by nationality.

i have all these rhetorical questions which will never get answered. at least in this lifetime. in this beautifully screwed up country which is bursting at the seams. someday, they'd probably get non-citizens to be in the army. make a island to house the rest of us and call it pulau untalented. then those in that island can pay exorbitant taxes to maintain the mercenary army. the rest can be deported back to their roots. after all, you cant possibly belong here if you are not a genius.

why do i deviate so much? sigh.

i know i have to accept it. i know. but if that has been the only escapism that you longed for, how do you give it up?

how does one give up dreams and aspirations? where do you put your pain and angst and sadness and loss? do you give it away? to whom? dig a hole and bury it? dissolve it in acid, console yourself that you can always try again and do it in another place or just pretend that it does not exist? there i go again, more rhetorical questions with no sight of an answer.

someone send me a idiot's guide please.