list.

Dearest shadow,


I'm going to be confusing today. intentionally. so, deal with it.


Past week has been annoying. I've been putting myself through alot of unnecessary stuff. and i brought them upon myself. almost most of the time. even if i didnt, i'd like to think i didnt take efforts to prevent them and therefore, i am accountable for my own suffering. yes. you read it right. i dont usually blame people for the crap that goes on in my life. even if i do, you can be sure that somewhere at the back of my head, my conscience is talking back to me and telling me that zeus is sending a thunderbolt coming my way. so i've decided to blame myself. publicly. and finally that voice, which seems to have acquired my obstinate nature, agrees with me. and zeus can keep his thunderbolt.


All human beings should (ideally) be kind, loving and patient. I am. i truly am. sometimes i dont get the time to show that to all people whom i know. some are really far and i've not talked to them in like 4 years except twice each year when we wish each other's birthdays. but i put myself there whenever i see a hand come out. this week, i saw a hand. not once but a few times. and i've been looking at that hand for the longest time trying to figure out whose it was. and wham. this afternoon when i went to the ladies, just to have a break from feminism class, i realised whose hand that was.


did you guess it yet? 'twas mine. i need to learn. really learn to give myself a slap or two once in a while. maybe i should slap myself on facebook or something and everytime i see my profile, i'd remember i slapped myself.


I've been extremely unkind to myself. if my body has a voice, which i think it does, it'll tell me to be more loving and caring for all the abuse it sustains. i think my phone will say the same thing. but i digress. i've lists. many lists in my head. if i close my eyes or stare out at space when i'm travelling, i can see that list. its on old brown paper, french embellishing with a ribbing and a small tear at the bottom. everything's written down in my handwriting. and i scribble things i've done. and they disappear after a day or two. it ranges from top up ez link card to arrange this for somebody to find your sense of humour or stay sane.


today, i'm going to write a few other things on that list. 1) be kind to your stomach 2) be nice to your eyes. 3) love the fingers that help you make music.
4) establish dichotomous relationship with self. 5) never, never, never let people tell you what to do and how to do it. you walk your own journey. and no one's coming.
These are going on the other side of the brown paper. i'm writing them in deep crimson and scarlet acrylic paints. two of my favourite colours to make sure that i remember them with conviction and passion.


do you think i should put in a postscript? something along the lines of:
P.S. write more self-inspiring blogposts...


nah.