3am epiphany

Dearest shadow.

Its past 3 am and i'm still up. cursing and swearing at my backbone of all things. I guess i should find another body part to send my negative energies to. poor backbone. I'm hungry, sleep deprived and tethering at the very edge of sanity...but i can still spell properly. thats should be a relief to you. imagine reading a post typed at 3am with horrible spelling....

i told you i'm at the edge of sanity.

there are so many things that i always want to blog about. there are such beautiful sentence constructions in my head all the time. and i hardly every get the chance to put them on paper. or rather, on blog. and sometimes i really wonder who bothers. but i guess i will keep writing. at least for the sake of documenting my very fulfilling existence for future generations. if i ever spawn kids, i should read back at myself and revel in the very thought that i was once young and carefree. ok. maybe not carefree but yea. you get the point.

I had thought that i'd be free to do things once concerts are over and yet, the many paradoxes of life knock at my door. sigh. its as if i almost always want something that i cant get and yet if i do get it, i feel like its not good enough for me. its like what woody allen said in annie hall. "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." and i'm the silly billy who would never want get anything that i can deserve. does that make sense to you?

ah well.

i've to stop procrastinating. but its so hard to do since it gives me a thrill whenever i do something just before the deadline. yes. its a cheap thrill. i know. i guess i must look for some other thrills. but i'm not flying anymore. and once you see the clouds, nothing else seems to give you the same thrill. its like your benchmark of thrill has been put skyhigh. literally. heh.

i've been thinking alot about where i'm going to go after this. Its not like i had another one of those indentity crisises. but its what everyone has been asking me and its starting to get annoying. only because i dont have an answer. i prepared one that is convenient but it only seems to get more and more questions. i ought to wear a neon green sign on my forehead that says "will work for food"


oh yea. i wanted to announce something here. i guess making it official will also make sure that i cannot perpetuate my own laziness. i've decided to start writing again. yes. i mean it. this time, i will not throw my drafts away. i'd stick them somewhere for everyone to criticize. i've lost my muse and i'm still in the process of finding her. but i've got a fantastic contingency plan to get back on track. but i'm not telling you.

When i write something that i'm impressed with, something that i feel like gloating about, i will post it here. but till then, feel free to bug me. i do welcome random strangers telling me that i write crap. does alot for my procrastination.

in case you are wondering, i will use a pen name as usual. just like radicalblackrose is the alter ego of this blog, i'll reach deep inside to find the alter ego that can write... just as leaves come to a tree on spring--unlike this silly radicalblackrose who cant come up with a title for her posts. just look at the titles for the last 3 and you'll know what i mean. must admit that i've not found that ego yet but i've already thought of a name.

no. i'm not telling you. ;)