cumulative update

Dearest shadow...

Its been quite sometime since i last published a post. I say that because i have been blogging all this while....but i didnt publish the posts. at this point, most of those who know me will raise and eyebrow or two and maybe roll an eye and say they've been checking back to see if i'm alive and then there's no such sign thus they concluded that i might be dead or sth. so here's me telling you that i'm alive and well...maybe not well. but alive yes. at least in the biological sense.

alright. down to business now. i've been "dead" for sometime due to the many things that happened. Its been quite a rollercoaster ride and i'm an inch closer to barfing. First off, I did not get my special term. I was rejected and I didnt think that my dear university full of stairs would give a damn to read my appeal. that was a bummer because i had counted on it and thats why i didnt work. If i had, i'd at least have a bank balance and i need not have skipped town on all the sale days.

I had lost my wallet in june. which led to probably the most panic striken paranoid moments in my life. I got back my i/c 6 or so weeks later. my matriculation card, which was securely plastered with my i/c was conveniently missing. so now, i've got to go make all my cards. I lost all my pretty earrings and the 22k gold coin that my dad gave me for luck. so the goddess of wealth literally left me. sigh. losing my wallet did burn a hole in my pocket. thank god it wasnt too much of a big hole.

by this point i'm already annoyed by all the things that are not going well. and guess what, things get worse. I get "used" by someone whom i considered a friend. and that made me feel like crap and got me wondering why i really give so much of myself to people. am i that gullible? and am i that kinda person who cannot say no? i dont really know. i can say no. but perhaps not forcefully enough to the people i trust. and i hate it when my trust if broken. when its gone, its gone. i'm not a forgiving person. because i believe that forgivness is for mistakes. and mis-takes. not using me to make money and whatever else...

When july started, i remembered thinking that the year is half over. my grandma was pretty sick by then. her eyes wouldn't move when we looked at her. and she'd have to use alot of energy to say one simple word. she passed on 12th july in my mothers arms. she waited for my mom to come and give her the temple offerings. once she ate them, her soul left the body. very slowly indeed. i'm glad she's gone. at least she's not bound to suffering and pain anymore. i had a feeling that her soul came to our house that night. i had been restless and i went to dry clothes at 1 am. i started sensing that the kitchen felt different and so i went to get my ipod. later on, i heard someone breathe into my left ear. it was audible but i could not feel any air and so i jerked and it stopped. i mentally said sorry and that i was glad she came. my mom had a vision that she stood there and touched her head. everyone else had visions of her that night. so i guess i wasnt dreaming. she was probably wondering why i was doing laundry in the wee hours and must have sighed when i wasnt listening to her. and i managed to hear the sigh. :)

ah well. death impacts in a way we cant imagine. and it takes tragedy to move man into action, into intense feelings and into being mortal. as much as i can accept mortality, i am unable to fully appreciate it.

thats pretty much what i've been blogging about during my blogging drought. I didnt publish them because i never really ended them. it was a sort of catharsis for me. painful. repressing. naggy and emotive. i dont like writing that way. and i guess i ended them halfway everytime. i've also been notoriously difficult to get on the phone, in person, in a good mood...blah blah...i'm really sorry guys.

now that august has started, i'd be a little bit more occupied. or rather, fully occupied. but thats much better than sitting at home, watching tv and getting nothing done -- not even gaining weight at least. i've started to get some of my reading done. I'm going to start this semester a bit more prepared. abit more excited and definitely more happier. the modules are getting harder. and things are getting more and more uncertain. i'll do my best to pull up my cap to a more respectable one. stay healthier and maybe sleep more.

speaking of which, i'm off to sleep away my throbbing headache. i'll update more regularly and you can count on it since i'm gonna start school soon.

right. nites then. bubbye.