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Dearest shadow,

I promised that i'll be back in a while. and so here i am.

what've i been doing you say? well, nothing much really. just been doing tonnes of essays. some of which i didnt think that i could possibly survive. y'know, i fascinate myself with some of these essays. i say the most darnedest things somethings. and sometimes i say things that i dont quite agree with. dont ask me why i do that. its just me i suppose. ah well.


i remember very well what i was saying before the year started. that i would be pulling my cap up. and that i would not succumb to the pressures of daily life. And i promised to be more organised. none of them has come true. for now at least.

i've a paper on the 28 and two more on 5 and 6 of may. am quite glad that i am finished with one of my modules. the one that involved a ten page essay. it was quite a herculean task for me. i've not typed one for a long time. the last time i did one that long was a play script. i never got around to staging it...like the others i ever felt inspired to write. perhaps my muse has run off to have her own little adventure.

Today, i was trying to think of new ideas to write in my papers. and i realised that i had so little. i mean, where have they all gone? perhaps faded into oblivion? or rather, dried up from my ever vanishing creativity pool..

i've been trying to revise. i know that i say this alot. i try. for the most part, i dont know what that word really constitutes. but then again, i pretend i do. whenever i just try and live my life on the surface, i get this fear. a fear that i'm losing myself. that i cannot possibly be involved anymore and thats when i lose the passion for the things that i'm doing. and when i tried to revise, i got this wierd feeling.

i dont quite know how to describe it. i've lost my words. yep. thats the best way to describe it. i've lost my words.

i've books. all around. open to pages with atm slips for bookmarks. i'm reading different books consecutively. and then, i close them all up. close my eyes and try and get new ideas to substantiate my case. my thoughts on things. for some reason, they dont seem to substantiate with i want to say.

i started to get worried. i still am. to a certain degree. i wonder if the worry pot in my head can disappear like my words can. i think i could be a happier person. not to say that i'm not.

i am happy. sometimes i wonder if i make all the right decisions. which is probably why i think fifteen times whether i should buy crunch or hersheys. but yes, i digress. i trust myself. alot. i'm the only person i trust. fully. because, i know myself to a degree that no one else does. that, in itself, is dangerous.

I ought to have faith. in the greater order of the universe. and in invisible hands that guide our way. i've failed so many times and yet i managed to get back on track. i owe much of it to that wonderful hand.

i pray it'll be there. for the exams. to literally hold my hand with my pen and give me the strength to write. and maybe electric sparks to give me fresh new thoughts. and if its not too much to ask, some pats on the back may be nice.

:)