eye opener

Dearest shadow...

today, i'm doing something unorthodox...to me at least...i'm typing the title before i start writing the post so that i dont digress tooooooooooooo much...but then again, who's gonna mind eh?

alright....lets get down to business...

i've been spending time with someone close...more than usual i must add...and i think that person has opened my eyes....half the time we have crappy conversations and harmless gossip....and of course we even do that when we shop....but yes...we do act our age every once in a while....and the past few days were some of those days we really came out of living in the "fast lane" perhaps, and held serious conversations about life...and somethings that i dont really want to share with the world...

yea...so being an avid reader of my blog, [for some wierd reason, this person thinks i write well...heh..] the previous post was one of the topics in discussion...no not the blogger part...the other not so pleasant part....[yes i know...i'm mean. i never said i'm a nice person.]

you see, when a woman talks to someone, she is not looking for answers or solutions...or some so-called-knight-in-not-so-shining-armour to rescue the distressed damsel she has become...she probably has something on her mind before she begins to speak...sometimes, she's merely looking for a listening ear...and i got that...finally...how can i thank you darling? *hug*

then i realised that i've been really impatient and bothersome sometimes...not that i have perfect days where none of these things exist....but rather, i strive to keep up to the desiderata by Max Ehrman...another man i worship everyday...

even daddy made an comment about me being so bothersome and impatient these days....and to hear that was surprising to me...daddy always trusted the little fellas with me cuz i'm more patient than some other people....he trusted me to take care of them when we went to langkawi and thailand border...all by ourselves...in a coach....to get that kinda trust is just mind blowing to me....

sigh...maybe its because i'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms...the little fellas are not so little anymore...and the littlest fella whom loves me alot asked me to touch his muscles...whoa! where did THAAAT come from? and the littlest fella has a buncha nice dudes to hang out with...i'm glad...people grow up alot eh...

i hope that love grows as you grow too...cuz mine does....maybe all that irritability stems from a threat to your affection...when there's that threat, i rather cocoon myself somewhere else...get a hug..divert my attentions...and move myself from that position...afterall, if i'm no longer needed, my position can be filled by someone else and my affection becomes more of a burden than a pleasure...then what's to lose?

nothing.

i will...eventually.....then perhaps the fella will hate me...but yea...its normal...boys will be boys...no matter what..and the older one will still find fault saying that i shower more love to the little one although he's second born....how do i explain that everyone is the same? how do i say that love is unconditional...and infinite....no matter how many people it is divided by, it's still enough to go around....so what if you're first? and so what if you are second? i wont hate you...i'm not stingy right? right.


oh well....boys just dont grow up and mature the same way...by the time they realise i'd have gray hair....i can swear...

by the way....i suddenly pity the gmail deleter....suddenly i understand the psychology of the whole thing....bet its a case of abused childhood, lack of planning and plain madness....well if you've been abused, then i pity you...you dont need the curse...karma has handled you enough....live and let live.