elixir

dearest shadow...

unless you have been living in chronic melancholy for the last two decades, you'd know that there is an elixir to life...that all of us can attain...

too much effort and you will just chase away the elixir...the elixir called happiness...

happinesss....hmmmm......how does one describe it?? my description of happiness actually contradicts itself...i believe that happiness is like a butterfly...soft...delicate yet sturdy...it doesnt battle with nature...rather it bends to nature...lets nature take her path...delivering the butterfly to its next nectar spot...where its elixir lies....

practically everyone knows that i'm petrified at the sight of a butterfly [yes i'm afraid of butterflies...so what? dont laugh...] and yet i use the butterfly as a symbol of happiness....why you may ask...here's the reason....i'm afraid of butterflies...i dont go seeking them...and if they come...i run away from them....what an irony...

today i drank from a chalice laden with that nectar-like elixir...heavily drunk...relished every single drop of it...left nothing for anyone else to savour....and in my drunken stupor, i saw light....

light....the meaning of my name....i'm named after the goddess whose form is light...she is worshipped in that form...as light and as the bringer of light....

well...there is no doubt that the goddess is the ultimate....she is the bringer of light...she who vanquishes ignorance and she who illuminates....bearing her name doesnt make me any bit closer to any of this....but it does make me closer to what i seek.....illumination....

and i believe that today...

i saw it..

in my mind's eye...

i realised that the illumination was not from outside....not from the cosmos....rather from within....

there....in the darkness....at a playground...on the swing...the sand beneath my toes...wind in my unkempt hair....the night chill on my skin....wonderful company by my side...with the ipod jammed into my ears singing pure music straight into my brain...

i saw it...the flash of blinding light...

and i felt the heat from within....the momentum of the swing increases with my heart pace...my breathing quickens...and it fills me....the light...

that was pure drug...probably something like ketamine, Ecstasy and marijuana rolled into one and taken with a shot of vodka...not like i've tried anything like that but then again...even drugs will pale in comparison to this...

sheesh...to think about it...it still feels surreal...but feels goood...damn good...

so to hell with conventional methods of "finding happiness"...i found mine the unconventional way...and to the people who believe that happiness comes in and exists only with company....i'd say...with butterflies maybe....