work.

dearest shadow...

have been meaning to update...but i havent gotten around to doing it....

no i wont blame work anymore...cuz its coming to an end...nonetheless, i've to clear my work...hope i can get it done before i leave...when i think about it, i'm not sure if i should leave so fast...maybe i should work slightly longer...but...then again...

suddenly i'm made to feel really indispensible...gosh, i really didnt know that i was this important...if i did, i'd have made clones of myself...or probably registered myself for a US Patent with copyright tooo...well i know its absurd and all...but yea...when people pass me by and ask me...when are you leaving, and i answer...at the end of this week, i hear this tinge of sadness in their voices...like they cant bear to see me go...

feels wierd...i mean...

for the few months that i was there, not many people bothered to ask me much...more like...when is this event and is there a booking for this place and are the notices up already? can you please put up all this publicity material, when can i get my funding approved, is my closure report passed to the officer already, could you help me update the database with the new contacts, where is the loan forms, did you get my membership payment and could you please account for the cars and book 3 car park lots.....

gosh...even typing this stuff makes me take a deep breath...its not a bad job...simple job title with more stuff thrown in...thank god that my family thinks i'm doing a front desk bound job...but as with the real world, there's always a gulf between rhetoric and reality...

i thank god for the experience really...the learning that took place in the last 8 months probably surpasses what i've learnt in the last 8 years or so...i'm not exaggerating this time...i mean it. growing up has not really been easy...learning to accept and come to terms with alot of things...haiz...sometimes i wish i can still be stuck in college...going to the same old lectures, meeting the same creatures, sitting at the back table and going to the locker 796 and eating the canteen food esp from the vegetarian stall...familiarity is something that i would just hate to part with...

and yet i managed to...probably i should correct myself...i was torn away from the familiarity and thrown into the unknown...not that i like it...but yes i managed to learn...

now when i'm leaving, i feel a tinge of that sadness too...it took me so long to build the sense of belonging and now, when i have so much of it, i'm leaving...no...forced to leave again...

maybe some part of the decision is in my hands...i can choose to stay...but whats the point?

i'm appreciated only when i'm leaving? hello? which part of human networking says that you appreciate someone when they are preparing to leave? whats the point of sending me to the busstop and accompanying me to lunch during my last week? why bother buying me things when i'm leaving? it aint gonna make me stay just cuz you buy me cakes and chocolates....why?
i've been there all along...i've been the same person all along...i've been communicating with all of you all along...and all that was fussed about was events and bookings and networking....and harsh words are poured at the slightest stumble....where is the human connection? hiaz...

sad la....viewing things from the wrong end of the telescope....well, i shouldnt say much...after all, i'm employed by the godfather of the public and political sector...so there...i shall hold my peace...after blabbering so much...in case you know where i'm working...kudos to you...i'm not supposed to say it out...on a blog at least.

well....one thing to say to those people.....communication matters more than money. money is just a piece of paper we all lust for to get a better life, education, status, recognition, bigger car, bigger house, higher credit limit and coveted titanium plus credit cards....

there it goes again, wrong end of the telescope.....money, education and status are transient.

what matters is the soul.