catharSis

dearest shadow...

its been very long since i have blogged and i have to say that i've not been doing too well these days....with my outlet to rant cut off for a significant amount of time, i feel really bottled up....and i've been really emotional these days...thinking about the most irrational things i can possibly think about...have been a real pain to all those around me.....to those people i'm truly sorry...


shadow...today is the eve of our SYF performance....i feel really wierd to say this but i pray we get a gold....the last thing that we need is another failure on our hands....failure is the stepping stone to success.....yadda yadda....but we dont have another chance to try...dear god...pls help..you know what...i'm feel anxious....this is the very first time that i have felt like this for a stage performance...we got horrible dose of scolding today...and it makes my mind go bonkers....i really cant stand that man....and i'm really startin to dread it....to the point that sitting infront of that man gives me tke creeps....i really dont know what happened to the confidence i used to have in myself as a good student...this year hasnt really been going to well for me....the gambling of assignments has started yet again...i really dont know what to do.....i mean i know what to do and how to start and all.....its just rather hard to keep it going though......common tests have been a horrendous flop....i can feel it...tmrw is the day of SYF and also the day i'm supposed to get my Econs papers.....i hear stories of pple who are super good at econs to the point that they can get B for promos and suddenly end up with O....i feel sick inside.....and to make things worse, there are some pple around me who are constantly complaining about failing this and failing that when they dont fail anything at all....pls larrr....can you let those who really did badly complain.....didnt do badly at all...manage to pass with a decent grade and all you can say is phew after that.....god....get a life can not??? there are pple who dont fake their worries and anxieties...


i think i've changed in time i have entered JC...sometimes i dont think i can recognise myself anymore...where is the happy go lucky girl who was brimming with happiness and confidence all the time?? i dont know where she went....she's gone into hiding and she is waiting patiently to resurface....i want that part of me back....i think i have supressed it to the point that i find it hard to be myself anymore.....i wonder if i still am the same person...i've become so naggy...so difficult to be with....i'm even nasty to my nearest and dearest....the stress levels have killed my enthusiasm to learn....and i'm starting to even retalitate at my own actions to study....there was even a point where i didnt see a point in studying anymore.....i wondered the use of my subjects to university...i mean...seriously...what can you do with mother tongue A?? nothing larrr....see no point...and its not very much of a joy learning it under that man.....its becoming more of a chore....WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME???? how come i could do werk under stress and make a great comeback after having to repeat my sec 3?? why is this college so fucking bias towards the indians??? i wonder why?? i suppose we are the losers huh?? worthless....thats why they find reasons to send good indian students away to the poly's.....not as if they really care about their students.....and all this pressure is making all of us go NUTS!!!! heartless things....

oh well...i suppose democracy is like that.....i just got lotsa pent up frustration in me....its been so long since i released it all that its slowly but surely eating me up from inside....i need to get rid of all this repressed emotion...where am i to do it??? i cant even play my instrument any longer....maaaan...i feel so shut up....think i'd be getting claustraphobia soon..where is my catharsis??? give it to me...someone....pls...


sorry....i just dont feel good.....think i'll just go eat and slp now...that is if i can amid the noise of cable TV...i wonder if my grandparents are going deaf...someone's gotta tell them my living room has surrond sound.....if they cant hear sound from 6 speakers then i seriously dont know what to say.....


guess i've talked alot without really saying anything....but thank you shadow for once again listening without judging me....think i've found my catharsis...talking to walls.....at least they echo....or maybe i've begun to explore a new level of insanity....

am gone....bye..