pain...

dearest shadow....

been really busy these days, and the bloody***king drama is finally over but not without sucking all my blood and squeezing every single bit of hatred i can possibly have....it was the most humilitating experience i ever had and honestly if only i were chinese, i'd have committed suicide and come back to haunt the bitch who started the whole thing during the hungry ghost festival.....and i will probably starve my soul so that i can drain every bit of her life slowly and surely...yes...thats how ****ed up i am...and i dont regret saying this anyway...

k then, just read on how i was humiliated to the point i wanna become a chinese.....the damn thing started in december when the bitch [name changed ensure she doesnt get killed by anyone] suddenly had this bright idea in her empty head that she should put 3 of us into a tamil drama....the farnie thing about this is that she put 3 pple who are struggling to speak tamil...into a tamil drama.....wow...thats intelligent...after that, she came and told me that i'm in it and i screamed at the bitch saying "get me out" and the reply, "your name is already in...if you want to take it out, negotiate with manikam lar..."and that was punctuated with the most sickening sarcastic and sadistic smile i have ever ever seen....and believe me, i'm not overdoing it...the truth is however that the brainless a**whole as just trying to save her ****ing A** and she said such a thing when none of it was submitted....damn, i feel cheated...

and they put us through torture....the bloody script was written and its just 3 pages and 8 mins long...but they make it look like some mega production....i think drama in tamil is horrible...nothing to do with the language but its just that i find it hard to even try and stammer dialogues.....and they make it look like as if i cant act...HELLO!!! reality check...I am the one who was in drama...i am the one who has the experience in stage acting here okie?? not that i am braggin but i think the only times she steps on stage is when she got a prize during speech day....the 8 mins drama was always dragged for 3 hours as she went gallivanting around with her boyfren during the night and doing god knows what in the dark corners of college...i shall not even go there...

yea so i had to face through with her sick smiles and sarcastic comments and sadistic thinking during the rehearsals [more like time for her to be hanky panky] of the "mega production"....teach me the most riduculous acts to do on stage...i know its a comedy but hello?? it has to have some intellgence okie?? the audience are not dumb...but i think that level of thinking ability is quite unachievable for the brain juice deprived creature...

aaand...yea...enter the villian....manikam...and kept giving us another round of lousy comments...as if hers were not enough...pls lar..we didnt go fall at your feet or sth so that we can act...during the SYF when we were supposed to be learning new steps so that can finish dance on time, we were doing the ****ing drama....hours and hours...hearing all those morons say mean disgraceful things about my co-actors and me...my hair still stands on end when i think of it...in fact, it pains alot...

even before we went to the stupid place to stage it, we did a few last rehearsals...and they were the worst...discouraging...and just downright insulting...the bloody climax came...we made it into the final round...and i gave one of my best performances there...and i always gave them wooden acting in rehearsals...why give em my best when they think i am a wooden actor?? give you my lousiest...what you think is my best...and we did get into the finals...the judges were pleased and i was quite glad to have seen her face go black....she thought...not only her but many thought we were just so lousy....

and yea we came back and the results of their NTU drama came out...they did not make it in...in my heart i was really relishing it...i know its sadistic...but i truly felt that what goes around, comes around...the sick part was that we were blamed for them not makin it in...it seems they spent too much time on our drama...or maybe someone spent alot of time doing sleazy things....

when you think that its just finally over....its isnt, we went for the finals....and yes...treated the same way as before...despite making it in...seemed as if it was already a big deal that we made it in...winning probably seemed like a miracle...the finals was the most painful part of the bloody experience....and it was the one that inflicted some of the most painful and deepest wounds....we had to change into the sarees...that was another nightmare...its was so tight and she kept scratching my tummy with the one inch fingernails...while changing, the guys opposite saw us while we were tying it...i was embarrassed...and i think i went red....and it just seemed so casual to her....man, i wished the ground opened to swallow me...my hair was pulled and stuff was pushed into my hair...scratching my scalp..powder was dumped on my hair....really pain....

they announced the next performance was going to be ours...i was standing backstage wondering if they already had...there was no noise...no clapping...nothing...silence...already felt desolate by then...mikes didnt work...nothin was heard...the judges wondered if we really belonged to a school....yea...we lost the last bit...thats nothing to me...but to think that they made up cheers and banners and littered the place with glitter...and all they did was smack their heads when we made a mistake and try console us...cuz we were not gd enough....we changed immediately and i told my female co actor not to display any form of remorse or saddness or anything....we did...boy were they surprised.....

all came down to the fact that we were not gd actors...didnt have enough stage experience...tamil pronunciation was not audible...but i wonder...why choose us in the first place....i know...to save your bloody ass....

fine.......the journey isnt over for that drama...but i just feel depressed already...nvm...will continue it some other time...oh and if you have reached here...thank you for sharing my pain...truly..some pple only know how to inflict pain....

hiaz...