reflections

Dearest shadow,

                          I haven’t been blogging for a few days. My sincere apologies.  Just have no energy and desire to blog. Wanted to tell you an incident that happened yesterday. I was as usual at the banner. Painting it. And I forgot to call and inform my mum that I will be late. So, she called. And it was close to 10. I had to um…..tell her a……lie…that I was already walking out of college. Then I went to wash my hands…was full of paint and someone picked up my phone when it rang. I think it was ash. And when she heard a guy pick up, she would have had her suspicions. And then later, when she called again, my hands were still full of paint and I asked vin to help me press answer and put it to my ear. Then again, she heard guys voices over the phone and she started to suspect all kinds of things. Scolded me real bad. I cried real bad there. I was at breaking point yesterday and when such an incident happened, I just couldn’t take it. The banner still remains unfinished. There are the orchids to finish. And so much of touching up to do. And to think that I have been staying back to do this banner….getting so much of scolding…and pushing myself to breaking point. I just don’t get it…why am I even doing this? I keep asking myself the same damn question over and over whenever I  walk out to wash my hands. I see gabe, my frens…all studying… and here I am, two weeks of tutorials all piled up. Werk is piled up sky high. I just don’t know when to start and when to finish. I know this sounds crazy….but I miss studying. I miss writing a long long GP essay. Cant wait to get the show over and done with…resume life as a PJC mugger….adopting my motto…while I live, I stone.



Mother tongue work is piled up. Am worried only for that. Manikam will just strangle me if I say I was busy with the banner. What am I to do? I feel so helpless….and it feels like I got no one to talk to. Joyce is no more in college. My cookie darling is also leaving. I feel so alone. So vulnerable. Everything seems so intimidating. How am I even supposed to imagine how life is gonna change without that girl sitting in geog lecture? That familiar voice screaming choco….the canoe girl…..things are gonna be very diff. And even though I know her only a few months, it feels like a lot. And it made an impact. Thanks cookie. Just do what you love. I am behind you. Am gonna cry soon if I continue. Lets skip topic.



I talked to joyce yesterday. I guess I made the poor girl cry. I poured everything out. And I did feel better…..i made her cry though. Felt bad for that. Me exchanged phone with J today!!! Camera phone….was glad that I could have it for a whole day and keep playing with the camera. YAY!!! Long time wish came true. Haha. Cukoo me. I know. Need to regain my sanity soon. Wait a minute. I think I lost it the moment I stepped into PJ on the 22nd of march. Oh well. i shall persevere and learn how to cope.



For it is in my learning that I live.



So cliché....



Haha..



Nites.

Bubbye



P.S. i am not sane. dont mind my post : )